Alter-Ego

I'm a little disappointed in myself, as of late. I've been feeling a lot of negativity towards myself, not physically, which is typical for me, but emotionally. And I'm usually such a happy-go-lucky person. But it's starting to eat at me. I'm starting to realize that certain aspects of my personality are not appealing, mainly to myself. And I want to change them, but I'm not sure exactly how.

Indecisiveness - I have a problem with making decisions. Half the time it's because I generally just don't care. (i.e. food, what to do, where to go, etc.). The other half is being scared. Scared to get out of my comfort zone, try new things, be vulnerable. Of course this half applies to the more social aspects of my life like relationships and such. It's something I'm constantly trying to work on. But I feel like it's gotten a lot more obvious and annoying lately...

Impulsiveness - I've been doing things on impulse a lot more, recently. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Okay, a lot of times it's not. Control. I need to develop control of this, which is kind of...paradoxical because I am a control freak a majority of the time.

Desperation for Approval - This one is the one that bugs me the most. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that is completely 100% unlike me. I loathe this new trait. I don't know why I act this way but it's like a switch turns on and suddenly I'm trying to be funny or smart or attractive because I want to feel loved.

And I guess that's just it, isn't it? I feel love deprived a lot of the time. Not by my family, not all the time. I want people to like me. I do my best to be likeable in every part of my life. I'm funny, I'm helpful, thoughtful, generous and a lot of the time for the wrong people. I'm constantly unappreciated and underestimated. Suddenly kindness is mistaken for stupidity. I want to make friends because I don't have many and I want to feel like I'm not the weird girl in the corner anymore.

All of my life I've always felt different, out of the ordinary, like no one could understand the mechanics of my mind. In school, I was always quiet and never part of a clique or hanging out with friends. I sat at lunch and read books. I went home and wrote until I had to go to sleep. I was a loner. And sometimes I didn't mind it. And sometimes it bothered me. A lot. It bothered my mother, too. She would always ask why I wasn't out with friends. Why I always stayed home.

Maybe it's because I was always the new kid. Moved around 6 or 7 times in my childhood, went to at least as many schools. I was always new, no one knew me. And I felt like no one wanted to know me. No one tried. I was polite to everyone, even those with physical and mental disabilities and THAT made me weird and avoidable. In elementary school, I played with a group of girls every day until one day we played a game. And one girl had us in a line telling us we were all garbage. But when she got to me, she stopped mid-sentence and rephrased to tell me my teeth were garbage. For one thing, I was self-conscious already about my teeth because I knew they were crooked. But what got me was that of all of us, she stopped in front of me just to tell me how much she noticed how bad my teeth looked. I ran away from the group and cried. In middle school, I got made fun of and bullied by the other girls. Rumors were always being spread. They'd said I called this girl a slut or some other girl a bitch when I never said a thing. If they found out I liked a guy, they would ruin any chance by running to tell them. One girl, who claimed to be my friend, lied to me saying there was a stain on my pants, just to embarrass me. A whole class laughed at me when my zipper was down after coming back from the bathroom. Even the teacher. Not a single person told me about it. They all just laughed until I realized it. Sometimes, the girls would tell their parents lies and I would get in trouble and never get to hang out with them again. But by that point, why would I have wanted to? When I started high school, I was told a group of girls wanted to beat me up. For no reason. I lost a best friend because her friends told her lies about me and she believed them. I have never mentioned any of this to anyone, until now. I guess the strength gained from it all finally outweighs the hurt.

Everywhere we moved, I made one friend. That's it. One friend who was my best friend. One friend who always promised to keep in touch when I had to move again, and never did. And I have yet to find one person in my life - a best friend, so to speak - who truly gets me in every way. I'm envious of my sister because she has that. I'm envious of some of my friends who have that. I do have a couple of extremely close friends but not close enough that I am 100% myself with them. I apologize for any of them who happen to be reading this and are hurt by the previous statement. It's not out of resentment. I am truly grateful for everyone in my life. I just feel that I don't have that #2 person in my life (aside from my sister). And I want it. I want so bad to have at least one person.

All my life, my kindness has killed me. Caused me to be trampled on, bullied, deemed stupid or weird. And all I've wanted was a friend. I know wallowing and moping doesn't solve anything. I know that perseverance is the means to success. I know that tomorrow I'll be smiling again. Maybe only on the outside. Or maybe on the inside too. I am strong and I can get through anything. But sometimes, it's okay to stop and think or write it out. Or even cry it out, if necessary. We're all human. Emotions get the better of us from time to time. But it's our reactions that matter. It's what we do, the choices we make, how we move forward that really show our true character.

I invite everyone to emote, and then react. :)

A Resolution of Unrealistic Resolve

As I run across the field of dreams
I never wondered what it means.
To leave behind a world so dead,
and just keep running straight ahead -
Dare to dream instead.
To leave the comfort of my bed,
to leave it all behind,
just to find truth.
Because reality soothes fantasy
And woefully inhibits me.
Escape the dark, back to sleep
Deeply dreaming a dream within a dream
But when you awaken
The dreams are taken, mistaken
So distant but oh so near
Quickly do they disappear
Back to the field, they bloom.
--By Me!

It's a little early to be thinking about resolutions, but as the year ends I've come to one realization. This year has been a complete and total nothing. Everything has been ordinary. Everything stayed the same. The only day of this year that seemed to matter was the day I saw the person who inspires me the most in concert and that would be - you guessed it! - Jason Mraz. It wasn't a fangirl fantasy to be there. It was a dream coming to life. For the first time in my life. And the feeling was indescribable. Fulfilled, inspired, motivated, enlightened, happy. Okay, maybe it is describable...

My sister had a status on facebook a few days ago - I know, how 21st century, people can't just say something without it being online now. I digress. My sister said the other day that 2012 is a year of dreams becoming reality. And I have to agree with her. Since going to the concert, I've had an overwhelming sense of inspiration. I've been writing a lot more and thinking more about things I could write about. I've even bolstered the courage to show a few people my work. And praise was certainly heaped. I've found this motivation inside me that I didn't think I had and now I realize, I want to make something of doing what I love. I want my writing to be heard. I want my writing to be my life.

And so my resolution is this: I will focus more on writing and become more dedicated to it. I will find ways to promote it or publish it, even if those steps aren't achieved in the coming year, I will at least know how.

Dreams are worth the chase. Letting go of them is giving up and saying you're not good enough. And that's not right. You're good enough to get what you want if you try. You're good enough to be in this world. No one can make you think otherwise. Grab your dreams and fulfill them. Don't waste them.

What's your resolution? Or better yet, what's your dream?

A moment of Silence...

There was a moment the other night after work. About 3:45am. As I left my car behind and walked the path to my door, I had to stop and take a breath. I made it to my door but I couldn't put the key in. Not yet. I turned around and looked up but the sky was a dark navy, cloudless, yet no stars shined. The trees stood erect and unmoving, as if waiting for me to go inside so they could sigh in relief, let the air pass through and shudder free of their leaves. Everything was so quiet. The whole town was sleeping and all you could hear was silence.

I read something recently...a different take on meditation: "Meditation doesn’t always mean sitting in repose, with your eyes closed for hours on end. Meditation can be while you walk, surf, cycle, sing, dance, cook, draw, drive, whatever, so long as you aren’t consumed with thoughts about the past or lost in a made-up future." I wondered if this moment counted. I wondered if it mattered if it counted. This was a rare moment where my mind was hushed and I could just simply take in the beauty of the night. It's moments like this where one can truly say to themselves, "I am happy I am alive."

Celebrate the Malleable Reality

I started this blog post a few nights ago. Since then, it's taken a bit of a turn in subject. A little bit ironic, considering the topic. You'll see.

Recently, I've come to realize that my personality has done a complete 180 degree turn on me. It's not so much a complaint, but just an observation that struck me suddenly even though the change happened long before the realization. And, honestly, I kind of like the change. It's still me, but it's a different me; a more outgoing me - something I've been working hard at being. I've come a long way from the shy girl in the corner reading her books and wishing that her life would change just by willing it. Then again, by willing it so, you're already starting towards getting it. Okay, I'm getting confusing. Well...when you want something, the first thing to happen is the idea is formulated. Of course sitting back and just wanting something won't get it for you. You need to become obsessed enough with the idea that you actually do something about it. But as long as that idea is in your head, you're already working toward it, even if you're not doing anything. Yet.

This whole shift in personality is odd, yet, refreshing for me. Finally achieving a change of characteristics that I set in motion years ago. I guess it just surprises me how easily I have embraced it. I'm able to talk to people easier, more confident in myself, more sociable, and have really been able to grasp the nonchalant attitude I've wanted to. I used to always talk more about how I didn't care what people thought of me but, secretly, it did still matter. Lately, however, I really don't care. I don't care if I walk out of the house in slippers. If my jokes aren't funny. If I eat messily sometimes. If someone thinks I'm weird, that's their problem. The only approval a person needs is their own. Chances are, if someone doesn't like something about you, and you do, that person isn't worth your time. Or, their opinion isn't. Not everyone is right about everything. In fact, most of the time, we're all wrong. And that's okay. What I'm getting to is the topic of 'change'.

Some - most - people are afraid of change. Others embrace it. The dictionary's definition of the word 'change' is 1. (verb) - "to make or become different"; 2. (noun) - "the act or instance of making or becoming different". It doesn't say things become better. It doesn't say things become worse. They become different. And that's just it. We all try to see change as either good or bad, and yet, no one really understands that it's not about right or wrong. It's just different. And whether we can adjust or not is up to us.

I remember, years ago, thinking that change was the enemy. But I think that was because it was all so new to me. I got so comfortable with the way things were that when something happened - something big - to stir up my life, I got scared. (Deep down I'm a huge coward. I'm just excellent at faking it.) I got scared that things couldn't go back to the way they used to be. I got scared that things would always be this way. And I was wrong. And I was right. Things are constantly changing, so nothing will ever stay the same. Maybe they can be close to what they were but, it's not quite the same. And something tells me that it never truly is.

Changes can be big or small. Beautiful or terrible. Change is not good or bad. Change is merely DIFFERENT. Everything and everyone will constantly change. Sometimes changes happen without anyone doing anything. Other times you have to be the change...

Do me a favor. Go out and change the world today. I bet you can do it, whether you realize you are or not. In a huge way, or even in the most minute way. Change something you've always wanted to. Whether or not it's for the better or the worse. Do it to make a difference.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
- E. B. White

“Some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.” -John M. Eades.

I think by now, it's pretty evident that I spend an excessive amount of time in my head. Whether I'm thinking about minute details of the day or being tormented with thoughts about life. Things like... Is this helping me get to where I want to be? Or, Can I even get there in time? Sometimes I think about my finances. Sometimes about my family. Or friends. Most of all, I find myself coming back to one single thought on every situation in my life: How am I going to get through this?

The good news is I'm not sitting here trying to figure out if I even AM going to get through things. I'm confident enough to know I can break any barrier, climb out of any hole. But it's the one or two days I spend in pity and wallowing that get to me. All I can do on these days is think and think and think some more. I continuously rack my brain for reasons to mope. Pondering all those 'what ifs' of the previous post. But after those few days pass, I can go back to my cheerful
demeanor since I've gotten all the overthinking and overanalyzing out of the way. But now that I suddenly can't make the thinking go away, I'm a little bit afraid for my emotional well being.

Recently my job banned any type of music from the lab. For most, this wasn't a big deal. For me - horrifying. I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, typing. It's boring. It's tedious. And I'm surrounded by Filipino chatterboxes who don't like to speak English. At all. (This does not make me a racist!) Now, I'm an introvert. Thus, I keep to myself. I don't talk all that much. I enjoy the quiet. My escape from having to listen to the ridiculousness was my Ipod. But that's not the only escape my Ipod gave me. Two weeks into this banishment, I find myself stressed out and emotionally exhausted. Without music to drown out my thoughts, I find myself thinking about anything and everything. And believe it or not, it's tiring to sit and think for eight hours straight.

You'd think for a writer, this could be amazing! All this time to think up new ideas, create characters. And while I'm lucky enough to get those nights every now and then, my head isn't just some la-dee-da fantasy world all the time. Having so much time to think turns out to be a very bad thing for me. My brain will decide...'Let's think about the past today! Remember when you were happy? Remember you were miserable? Remember when you were a kid and didn't have to worry about anything??' And then...'Let's think about the future today! Your goals are so far away, still. Your dream won't come true, you discovered it too late. What about love? Marriage? Kids? What if your future isn't what you want it to be? Then what will you do?' A lot of times I get the...'Time to think about today! What are you going to get done? You have a huge list of things to do. What are you going to eat? When are you going to sleep? Will you write today?' So on and so forth...

Some nights are spent thinking about things other than my own life. I wonder about my family a lot. Is my mother going to be okay? Will my sister's happiness last? I hope it will. How are my brothers going to turn out? They're so young still and on the brink of becoming actual people. Will my dad really be disappointed if I don't live up to his expectations? Will he ever get a break in his own life, for a change? I hope my grandmother's okay. When will my cousin prove everyone wrong?

Other nights, friendships are the main focus. Will our friendship ever be the way it was before? Is it worth it to hold on? Is she seriously considering doing that? If I try to talk her out of it, would I be hurting her? Does he realize that ever since she came back into his life he's tuned me out? Is he really judging me that harshly because of one stupid mistake? I thought he was my friend? I hope she gets to do what she wanted to. I hope this job works out for him. I can't wait to see her again. When am I seeing them again!?

My head is so overstuffed with thoughts and emotions and I have no idea how to let them out or force them away. It's bad enough that I have issues getting to sleep because I can't turn my mind off. But now it's on for 8 hours more at work. I know, this sounds dramatic and insignificant. But I thought writing it out could possibly help. Writing things out is a coping method of mine, and you, the lucky readers, are just here for the disastrous ride. Haha. =)

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."
~Bertrand Russell

Rejoice Regrets

Life is short and all about taking risks. Big risks, little risks. How do we know which risks are the right risks to take? Well that's just it, isn't it. You can't really tell what's going to be worth going for until after you try. Or, alternatively, after you don't. And, of course, when you pass something up, all you can do is sit and wonder... What if?

People always ask me if there was one thing in my life I could change, what would it be? What is my biggest regret? Now, it's perfectly normal to have regrets. And I don't deny having a few. I regret my choice of living and school straight out of high school. I regret making friends with bad people. I regret losing good friends. I regret fooling around with a few guys. I regret NOT fooling around with one guy. I regret not letting him kiss me when he tried. I regret not speaking my mind until it was too late. I regret not telling my mother the truth until now. I regret not spending enough time with my family. I regret spending money on petty materialistic items. I regret not taking care of myself. I regret all of the bad habits I have that I refuse to break.

Rereading through that, I didn't realize how many I had. But the main thing is, I don't choose to live by them. Having regrets and living in regret are two completely different things. It's okay to have regrets. It's only human. To wish we could change bad things we'd done or bad choices we've made is not uncommon. The goal in life is to do exactly what you want to do to be happy. Or at least, that's my personal point of view. I figure happiness is the only thing REALLY worth working toward. And that can be achieved in several ways. Love, Job, Money, Friends, Family, etc. Whatever makes you happy. Living in regret, however, will not bring happiness.

When I see people constantly feeling sorry for themselves and wishing life was different and wanting to change all the bad they'd done, I don't really feel much sympathy or pity. A little, just because it's sad that they've managed to make their life that way. And I don't want to hear that bad things could happen that weren't their fault. Yes, that's oh so entirely true. Bad things happen to everyone that are out of their control. BUT! It's your choice if you want to dwell upon it longer than necessary. Be mad, be sad, but don't live that way.

I believe that everyone has the strength to overcome anything if they just try. If they just believe. It's their own fault if they want to sit alone and mope and consume drugs or alcohol or play with sharp objects. No one HAS to do that. No one is forced. That's your coping method? Find a new one. Surround yourself with people who want to help you. Surround your self with positivity and life will be better. Being caught in a mass of negativity will just make things more negative.

So. What is my biggest regret? What's the one life-changing event I wish I could take back? There isn't one. I embrace my regrets after wallowing in them for a day or two. Because I love where and who I am now in my life. Regrets are what shape us as individuals. When you make a bad choice, you can learn from it. It shows your strengths and weaknesses and it shows you are human. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. And without everything that has happened to me I wouldn't be where and who I am. I'm strong, I'm independent, and I'm always optimistic and generally happy. I love everything I have and everyone in my life. And I wish that everyone else could feel like this about themselves. When you reach a point in life where you know who you are and you like it and you don't care about anyone or anything else, it's pretty neat.

Never regret anything. Because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

Leap and the net will appear...

"Moving on" and "Letting Go".

Why is that these two phrases can be the hardest thing for most people to do? I mean really do. You can easily say that you've moved on from something or let something go but secretly you know that's not the truth. Generally it seems these two phrases only apply to the experiences that have hurt us or impacted us in some big way. A broken friendship, a break up, a death. When have you ever heard someone say let go of the good times? Move on from your happy moment already? Happiness and good times are so few and far between that we hold onto them so tightly. But, then, we hold on even tighter to the bad times. Why do we do that? It doesn't help the hurt to go away. It doesn't make us a better or stronger person. We're stronger when we can say it's over and actually mean it.

In my life, I've struggled over and over and over again with letting go. And to this day, I still have issues with it. I had to let go of friends constantly, growing up. Moving from place to place for seven consecutive years will do that to you. I guess that's why it's not as hard in the friend department anymore. (Although for a while I was bitter after the loss of a best friend of eight years. But that was more or less because of the lack of closure.) Because of controversy with her husband, I had to learn to let go of my mother for a while, which was probably the hardest thing for me to do. It broke my heart not to have my mother in my life. Luckily, I can say things are exceedingly better now, but that's a story for a different day.

The most recent thing - and I'm ashamed of it a little because it's been over a year now - that I've had to work at letting go of was a guy. I know, I know. Groan that it's so cliche of me. I'll agree! For all the drama of falling for him and thinking I stood a chance only to be let down, it really wasn't the fact that I loved him that ate at me. Sure that was a factor for a while but that went away fairly quickly. It was because he wasn't just some guy I fell for, he was one of my best friends. I think the bitterness stuck with me so long not because of how I felt about him but because after the way things were left off - you know the whole "lets just stay friends and not ruin the friendship" shebang - everything just kind of...stopped. I barely heard from him. And that hurt more than the rejection. Here I had this person who was one of my best friends who I could always talk to and could always make me feel better. And suddenly it disappeared.

When I decided finally to write it all out, it was a longer process than I anticipated. As part of it I decided to go through our online conversations. (And before you start to judge and call me crazy!! I did not save them. If you now the instant messaging program Skype, you know that it saves conversations automatically.) I realized while reading that I was laughing and smiling at it all. I was reliving the good times and forgetting about the bad. And it was great! It wasn't hurting. I didn't feel that usual pang in my heart. And that's when it hit me. Something in my head clicked and I knew that I was finally over it. And not just telling myself I was over it. Legitimately. No more talking myself into denial. The whole situation. No more lying to everyone, lying to myself. I was done wallowing and wishing and wondering what I'd done wrong. It didn't matter anymore. What's done was done and I didn't care. It felt like the biggest breath of fresh air after being under water for the longest time. And it felt AMAZING.

I confuse myself sometimes. I cannot for the life of me hold a grudge and yet I still maintain "letting go issues". I guess the whole point of this ramble of my woes was to just let anyone who's reading who has the same issues know that they're not alone. We all go through the cycle. Living in denial is one way, but it feels so much better to face that denial and give it a good sucker punch to the face. Because you're stronger than you think. When you finally do stand up and let go, it feels amazing. And you can move on to bigger, better, happier, greener pastures. Happiness is worth holding onto. Sadness and anger aren't. They're a waste of time and energy. Don't let the bad memories consume. Instead, let life consume you. Smile daily. Laugh as much as you can. I promise you it's worth it.

Thinking about Robert Frost..

I want you to take a moment, right now, to stop and think about where you are in your life. What room? What city or town? What state? What country even? What job are you currently working? What relationship are you in? What mindset? Now, after all that, I want you to ask yourself one question:
Did you ever think you would be exactly where you are now in your life?

Now that you're thinking about all of that, don't start thinking about what you wish you could change or what you could have done differently. Think about now. Think about what you still can do to make a difference in your life. Or maybe someone else's. What can you do to make your life better than it is now? Don't tell me your life is grand and there's nothing more you could possibly ask for. Life is a mass of opportunities waiting to be taken advantage of. Even if it's the most minuscule thing. Instead of wistfully thinking about it, do it. Time is precious and shouldn't be wasted.

Too few people realize that everything they've ever wanted is at their fingertips, if only they would grab it. When you really want something, nothing else should matter. You should do everything you can to obtain it. Money or distance are merely excuses for those who are too lazy to make an effort. Every obstacle can be overcome if you have the will to do so. Everyone in this world is looking for the easier way. The easier way to get what they want, or the easier way out of a bad situation. The more you look for it, the less you'll find. Aspirations take time and effort and more than a little elbow grease. They take passion, and heart and tons of struggling. Even a bit of failure is common along the way. You can't succeed without finding out what not to do first. This is why mistakes shouldn't be frowned upon.

A mistake is always a good thing because you have the chance to learn from them. You know for the next time how to right your wrongs. You know what you need to do better or differently. And I, for one, always enjoy a learning experience. No matter how much pain I have to go through, I know that in the end it will all be worth something. It's always toward a bigger and better goal. If at first you don't succeed, try again. And again. And again. Never give up. Giving up means you don't care. Giving up means it never mattered.

I think it's regrettable how many people aren't willing to do what it takes anymore. Everyone is either afraid of failing or getting hurt. And while I admit I am still working out how to not be afraid of getting hurt, I know that not trying won't do me any good. So go out. Try something new. Reach towards your goal. And when you're faced with that fork in the road, take the path with the bumps in it. Put everything you've got into what you want and don't give up when the going gets tough. Keep going!


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken"

Free from the Bonds of Friendship

My best friends are the fictional characters I've created for every unfinished story I have written. But I haven't been spending enough time with them lately. As a result, not a single one of them is speaking to me. It's because they know I've abandoned them before, and I might even do it again, given the chance. But maybe if I can force myself to put aside time for them again they'll forgive me? That sounds too easy...
I ended a legitimate friendship this week. I'd been wanting to do it for a long time, but couldn't find the words to do it. I'm not a person of hatred or cruelty and I just wanted there to be peace between us at the end of the day. I didn't expect to feel any guilt though. I guess because she is a troubled individual it makes things a little harder.

I've been friends with her once before, but we had a falling out. Sort of. Actually, I guess what really happened is she tired of me and didn't exactly let me know that. So when I found myself in a bad place and needed her to be a friend to me, I was ignored. Eventually I found the inner strength I needed and moved on. Two years later, I receive a message from her with an apology and an explanation as to how she is trying to right the wrongs of her life. Of course I wanted to give her a second chance. And of course, because I went against my gut instincts, it turned out to be the wrong decision.

The second time around we were finally honest with each other. About everything. I learned more about her than I ever had two years prior. But I couldn't seem to let myself open up to her as much as she had. I was still a little bitter from the past, I suppose. I know. I'm not proud. I did give it my best shot, being friends with her. We hung out several times and I tried to be myself. Really really tried. But what I came to learn is that we were in two very different places. While we both may have changed and grown up a little, I felt like I was in a more positive state in life than she was. Whereas I grew and learned to be happier, she seemed to be in a darker place but putting on a false bravado for everyone. But things weren't going well for her either. In the span of 3 months she lost an uncle, a dog, and pet guinea pig. As a good friend should, I offered myself if she ever needed. She turned to other...substances...as a shoulder to cry on. And while I can't exactly judge because I have partaken a few times, investing so much of yourself into something so bad for you is never a good way to go, in my opinion. She made it so evident that there was nothing I could do to stop her from destroying herself. And I'm no good at situations where I can't help out. If I can't help, I can't help. No use crying over it. When people don't want my help and start to act aggressive, it's in my nature to just walk away and let them be. What else can I do?

So that's what I did. I told her in the nicest words possible that her negativity was not something I wanted to be apart of. And while I wish her luck and hope that things work out for her, I can't be there for someone who won't accept it. I can't sit and listen day after to day to someone who "wants to be shot". To someone who would rather drown their sorrows in a bottle of alcohol or drugs. It brings me down and stresses me out. And that's something I really can't afford in my life when I already have so much of my own. However, there so much more to the story here than I care to elaborate on. For instance, something about a man who got between us, ever so slightly, might have just added insult to injury. But I digress.


I've been abandoned by friends before. It's not a great feeling. But I grew from it. I got stronger and more independent and I am more self-reliant than I ever thought I could be. Maybe some people can't find the strength they need. Or maybe it just takes some people longer. Maybe it's selfish of me. Does this make me a bad person? Abandoning a friend who clearly needs more help than she's willing to accept?

My head is a decidedly dangerous place to hide.

My fingertips are buzzing with energy, waiting for something amazing to flow out and onto the screen. Whether or not the words that follow are truly amazing is all pretty relative. But I'm hopeful, as always.

I'm feeling extremely inspired and motivated. While my body argues that sleep is what I really want, my mind tells me that I have to write out this feeling before it's lost and wasted on a dream. Not that dreams are a waste. But once you wake up, the world you were just in for 8 hours - is that a stretch? - instantly dissipates. They're curious things, dreams. I always remember the last lingering moment of mine before I wake up. (And recently, they have all been bizarre.) Supposedly dreams are manifestations of our subconscious. At least, that's one theory. I've always been intrigued by my dreams. A small part of me enjoys searching for the meaning inside them and seeing how they apply to reality. However, I'm not so naive as to think they are literal and meant to live by.

And then there are the other form of dreams which are not to live by, but to live for. A dream, a hope, of what you want life to be. Dream of a family, a love, a career, a home... Whatever the case may be, dream on and don't let go.

I think one thing I've come to realize lately is that I am a very positive person. Okay, maybe it's not really a shocking realization. I've always known who I am. But I suppose the real discovery is that I was keeping company with a lot of negativity and didn't realize it. I let go of some of the negativity from myself. I let go of the negative people who were in my life. I think the light inside me shines so brightly that I can't tolerate a lot of darkness. True, no one in the world goes without a little darkness inside their soul. And sadly, a lot of people live too deep in the darkness. But for me, if I can rid myself of the negatives, I will. I've come to find that I'm happier being just that - happy. When there is no drama in my life, it's easier to breathe. I get more done, feel better about myself. And that in turn makes me want to help others be happy too.

Maybe I had gravitated towards those with negative attributes because I want to help them? If there's one thing I'm sure of about myself, it's that I am a fantastic friend. I'm good at motivating and cheering up. I'm good at listening and being there when needed. It feels pretty natural to me to want to help people out. To want to be polite. Unfortunately it's also a downfall. Not many people have manners these days, nor do they have respect. The so-called "golden rule" to treat others as you'd want to be treated doesn't exist anymore.

On the other hand - or maybe foot, since this might be completely digressive - my moods seem to swing as low as they get high. Today I spent my shift at work contemplating my loneliness and emotions, and my upcoming birthday. [Mistake of the day: forgetting to bring my IPod to work to drown out all the thoughts in my head.] It's not that I mind being alone. I rather enjoy it, actually. I learned at an early age to be self-sufficient and independent. I never had many friends and enjoyed my own company. But some nights laying in bed alone isn't enough. My lack of experience holds me back from getting close to anyone. Existing trust issues are just strengthened when I don't know who to trust. Is he really interested in me and who I am or am I just something to conquer and tell his friends about? Yes, this can be a question for ANY woman with ANY amount of experience at ANY time of their life. But it just seems like it has more weight in my situation, given the circumstances. I know I can't really dwell but when you're sitting in front of a computer constantly typing for eight hours straight with no music to ease your mind, you think about these things.

As with every entry I post, I, myself, always see the words as redundant. But maybe you, the reader, see something I don't. Call it insecurity or my being my own worst critic. *shrug*
Going back to earlier musings, I encourage everyone to live like Steven Tyler and 'dream on'. ;)