Good.

I can't sleep, so naturally I write. Tonight what's keeping me up is the past. But what else is new, right? I think my ipod was to blame for tonight's trip down memory lane, however. Songs from the past came on at work and brought the memories to the surface. Thanks a lot, Apple. Your invention keeps ruining my thought process at work...

On the other hand, this particular dilemma has been on and off my mind for months now. I keep thinking about an ex-friend and the situation that caused the friendship to end. Now there were several reasons behind the ending of the friendship, but this situation was what threw us both over the edge. Naturally, there was a man. If you could see me now, you'd see a laugh turn into a grin and then melt into a frown. Ah, good ol' emotions. So I've been thinking lately about sending a message to this once friend. When I decided to walk away from her, I chose to do so at a point in time where her life was not functioning exactly well. A lot of deaths and a lot of negativity was present in her life and it was starting to suck the happiness out of my life. But despite all that, I still felt incredibly horrible about leaving her. And to this day it still eats at my conscience that I left when I did and the way I did. I didn't really give her completely rational reasoning, and I didn't even explain what happened with the man who got between us. I just got fed up and gave her a mediocre goodbye and left it at that.

For all the bad crap that happened between us, any normal person would have just let it go right then and there and not worried anymore. A normal person would say that they didn't deserve a friend like me. But I'm not really that normal. I have this insatiable need to be a genuinely good person. Not only that, but I pride myself on being a great friend. That's probably why a lot of people have gotten second chances out of me. I always realize where I went wrong and try to make them realize where we BOTH went wrong and see if we can try one more time to do it right. Sometimes it's a great attribute to have. Other times, not so much. I'm not saying I want to give her a third chance, not right now, anyway. But I hate myself for leaving someone who trusted me and included me in the very few people she could talk to. I know how it is to have someone leave you at the worse point in your life. Someone you thought cared and gave so much to. And it would tear me up inside that they could just walk away after that. So naturally, it bothers me that I could do that to someone when I can't stand it being done to me. She deserved a real explanation and, on top of that, an apology.

I really wish I could understand why I am the way I am, that I have to be a good person and always do the right thing (by my standards). I don't know why I find it extremely necessary. I'm not religious so it's not that I want to be a good person so I can get into heaven. And as a matter of fact, I never even expect anything to come from being a good person. It just seems to come naturally. I care a lot. I am generous and helpful. It just makes me happy to be this way. And I guess...if something makes you happy, you shouldn't question it, right?

Illuminate

A while back, laying in bed, I had a thought {that later became a Facebook status}:

I have a bright light in me that is very attractive, but I'm not looking for someone to share my light with. I'm looking for that light that matches mine so we can make an even brighter light, together. Why would I want to dim myself for someone who can't shine on their own?

I have a light in me, this I know. Very very well. I'm always trying to be positive and happy and helpful and constantly wanting others to be happy. I know I've gone on and on a few times about how trying to make people happy has screwed me in life. So I'm not going to do that again. I've learned over time that when I see enough negativity in someone that I don't want around, I will get rid of them immediately. Took me a while to get to this point. Now it's not even a matter of giving out second chances. If I notice you making me more stressed out rather than enjoying your company, you definitely won't last. I might keep someone around long enough until I find the nicest words to say goodbye because I'm not one to just walk up to someone and tell them "You're a horrible person. We can't be friends. So...bye." I can't do it. (Though I certainly think it often enough!) I don't have the heart to do that to someone. Not unless they've wronged me. Then I'll go off on them as much as I want without regret. Is this an evil grin on my face? I guess you'll never know.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to keep people in my life too long lately. A majority of it has to do with time. Working nights and sleeping days and going to school during the evening just before work makes it extremely hard to make time for anyone, let alone myself. I try to see my friends once a month, if that. And always make time for family too. So it's a little bit hard to introduce a new person into my life and have it work right off the bat. It's human nature to feel neglected or rejected if someone doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. And I understand that. So I understand when people get fed up with me for not giving enough attention. I haven't been able to work out my life well enough yet that I can really make as much time even for myself as I'd like. This is why I don't have a dog.

With men, it's even harder. Some just want fun. Others want relationships.
Fun is good, when I can afford it, but lately I can't find the time. I mean, come on. Asking a guy to come over at 4AM when I get off work is pretty much a booty call invitation. And as much as I'd love to just be casual, I can't seem to allow myself. I suppose it's certain trust barriers that hold me back but even those a guy will push. It's hard to explain to them. I'm the type of person where I don't get comfortable with a person just by texting or talking on the phone. I need to hang out a few times before I even begin to get out of my shell. I don't know. Maybe I'm a good girl at heart. Maybe I can't just give myself away to anyone. I like intimacy. I like caring. I like trust. I just don't have the TIME for it.

On the flip side of this argument comes the whole relationship question. Again, my arch-nemesis time. This goes back to the whole issue that my schedule wouldn't work. Would I make it work if I was absolutely head over heels for someone? Absolutely. But how can I get to that point without the time to date? Every time a guy asks me out, I have plans with a friend or dinner with the family or FINALLY some much needed "me time" scheduled. And yes, I am too stubborn to give up "me time" most of the time because I seriously never get enough chances for it. Judge away! Anyway, the fact of the matter is, it wouldn't be fair to someone to be in a relationship. I can't give them the attention they'd need or deserve and that's not fair. If I'm going to be in a relationship, I want my whole self to be there. Not just a part time gig.

Now here comes the twist. I mentioned lights, and shining and illuminating life. I also mentioned making the time if there was someone I was head over heels for. And here comes back the problem in the Facebook status. My light shines brightly. I'm a happy, positive person. I am strong-willed, independent and tough. I see the appeal in myself. Wait, is that too cocky? Yeah, whatever. I'm entitled. =) But yes, light attracts...well, light attracts bugs but I won't compare guys to bugs. The problem is, and I'm going metaphorical now, the guys that are attracted to my life don't seem to have much of a bright light of their own. I've been finding that most of the guys I've been hanging out with lately (not in a friend way, in a potential date way) have those deal-breaking pet peeves. I cannot stand when a guy gets too oversensitive and too insecure. I cannot stand when a guy belittles me and/or belittles himself. These two combined, oh buddy, you've got no chance. Cutthroat? Some would say. Others would say that's nothing. I'll just not comment and leave it to the reader to decide.

So what seems to be the common pattern in my life is that I can't find a guy worth sharing my light and life with, yet. And that's not a big deal. I have plenty of time. But as my quote said, why would I want to dim my light for someone who is stuck in the dark? That's the cliche of a woman wanting to help a bad guy be a good guy or something of the like. But that's very one sided. In my opinion, both parties should want to help each other be better. And I don't particularly want someone stuck in the dark. Pessimism is a turn off for me. I'm an eternal optimist. I will always find a way to go back to the light. I shine too brightly to be consumed by dark. And I'm not sharing my brightness. I'll only share it with someone who has their own light, so we can make each other brighter.

This is not to say that people can't shine bright if they're stuck in the dark. Change is the only constant in this world, and I am fully supportive of that statement. So hey. Maybe they'll finally find their "on" switch and the light will come to them. Maybe dim at first and growing brighter each day. Maybe not. Who knows?