Turn and Face the Strain

Okay. I have gone on and on in the last couple of posts about how I feel out of sync with myself and can't get a grip of the personality shifts I've been going through. But I think I may have finally figured it out. I've realized a few things that I think may help me. I don't need to rely on someone else to fix me. For that matter, I don't think I need to keep thinking that the only way I'll survive is if I have someone to help me. I've been independent most of my life, and somehow that is the one part of me that I believe will never change. And I'm grateful for that. Being self-sufficient has helped me to endure so many things throughout my life. And it took me way too long to remember that I am the best person to help myself. I am the only one that I need to overcome difficulties that I have with myself. That should have been a no-brainer but I think my knack for over-analysis tends to cloud those thoughts that actually make sense.

Speaking of thinking, I have been thinking about life and my goals recently. I felt somewhat blue the other night because I watched a behind the scenes special on a musical group that are younger than me and are already further than where they thought they'd be. I guess it made me wonder if I wasn't doing enough to achieve what I want to. Not to mention that I don't have any clue as to where to begin being who I want to be. I couldn't help thinking about all the people in the world who start so young, even at the ages of 3 or 4 to be athletes or dancers or singers or performers; poets, novelists, journalists; politicians and businessmen and women. When you know what it is you want to do, it all seems so simple. This is what I want. This is how I'll get it. But it's not. How do those who have already achieved so much get there so young? Do they have more passion or drive than I do? Or more connections? What am I missing?

One thing I have that I never doubt is talent. I used to be modest about it and my own worst critic but I've come to love my craft and trust that what I love is good enough. The praise heaped certainly helps, sure. But my own passion is my faith. That I can love doing something enough gives me enough hope and courage to believe I am actually good for and at something. That I have talent. And talent shouldn't be wasted. If you are so blessed to have a gift bestowed upon you it would be tragic to waste it. The only thing I can't figure out is what to do with my own talent. But in time I'm sure I'll find some clarity.

Anyway, I've strayed from the initial thought that spurred this post. I was reading a book tonight called Writing Down to the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. It's all about writing and "freeing the writer within". I don't know what compelled me to take it down from the shelf tonight. And when I did I found a bookmark in it but no recollection of reading it. So I opened it up and attempted to refresh my memory. What I didn't expect was to find myself inside it. Something that I've come to realize as of late is that I think I have lost touch with myself because I've lost touch with my passion. My passion for writing is what healed me and kept me sane. The last time I was so low in life was when I was trapped living with my mom and her husband. But I came through it because I was always writing. I wrote every single day that I was in that house - no exaggerations. Every. Single. Day. I never stopped to think whether or not it was bad. I never gave up on it. I kept going through. I would spend hours in my room working away, escaping everything. I was happy because I was doing what I loved and no one could take it from me. I was a writer. This was how I coped, how I fixed what was happening. All of my emotions would go into the stories I wrote, whether I realized it or not. It was my emotional release that kept my mind balanced just enough.

I can heal myself through writing, and I forgot that. And I'm ashamed in myself that it took me so long to remember. This is who I am, isn't it?! It doesn't matter what changes I go through in life. I will always be the writer. I just need to get back into the groove of it. I think, truly, that it could revive me. Bring me back to who I loved I was, not who I am now. I wrote a little something in the car tonight too, which somewhat goes with this thought:

Everyone always asks me what I want to be when I grow up
They all ask me what I'll do with my life
I don't know

But who really does?
Just gonna be me because
I live my life without discretion

That's what it's about

Love and Expression
Be you who you ARE
Not who you'll be
And you'll see

You are an exception.

It's a little bit cheesy and probably could be fine tuned. What did I say about being my own worst critic? ;)

Fact of the matter is, I am going to make changes to help myself. I'm not going to let who I am go for who I've been turning into. I think once this semester of school ends, everything will come together and I can begin a self renewal and revitalization. Starting over can be good and I think it's definitely something I need. Going back to my roots to start over again. Something like that. This book that I just read a few chapters of reminded me. It took me back to the very beginning when I first started getting serious about writing. When ideas were always fresh and I could lose all sense of time in it. I realized, I haven't been happy in so long because I stopped writing every day. I always think that I could never commit to doing it again. But then one quote hit me in this book:

"Like running, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Some days you don't want to run and you resist every step of the three miles, but you do it anyway. You practice whether you want to or not. You don't wait around for inspiration and a deep desire to run. It'll never happen, especially if you are out of shape and avoiding it. But if you run regularly, you train your mind to cut through or ignore your resistance. You just do it. And in the middle of the run, you love it. When you come to the end, you never want to stop."

It's so much the truth, for anything anyone wants to do, not just writing. Think about it and apply it to your own life. And don't discount any talent you may have because you don't know what to do with it. Waste not, want not. =)