At first it was a few little things. I kept going back to the past, thinking over what happened in the past few years and all of the people I've had to leave behind and let go of. I started to miss them and contemplated reaching out to them again. I had to really force myself to sit down and think about all of the pain and all of the negativity they brought to remind myself why I had let them go. To have to force myself to really think of that was not a good sign. I should have realized that.
I began to feel my mind becoming overwhelmed with constant over thinking -- more than usual. I started wondering about all of the 'what if's. What if I hadn't done that, or said that, or stopped that? What if I hadn't gone? What if, what if... I never focus on what I can't control. I can't change the past or the future so I rarely think about it. I'm a control freak enough in the present.
Then I started constantly thinking about myself, and not in the narcissistic sense. I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. I was always alone, all of my life. Why was that? Why did I get bullied through my teenage years? Why didn't people like me? I was never mean. I was always polite. I was so quiet and shy, I would never do anything wrong. What could it have been that kept people from wanting to be my friends? And even when I did make friends, they never lasted. Why was that? Why was I always the one who cared more? When I moved away, and we'd promise to keep in touch, I was always the one who had to make the phone calls. That's still pretty true today too, with current friends. I'm usually the one to call, not the other way around. So why do I care so much? Why do I always put an effort into those who always give me less? How can I stop doing that?
I wondered, will I always be alone? Why is it always difficult to make friends? At this point in life, I've found it so much easier to be friends with guys. It's quite ironic, because for most of my life I had always been so shy and so scared to talk to guys. Suddenly I outgrew my shell and they're the only ones I like to talk to. Yes, sometimes I do enjoy male attention BUT! I find that I can connect better with guys than girls. That is, until it becomes apparent that I'm just a girl they want to mess around with. Then they get dropped. With girls, I've found lately that I don't have much tolerance for all of the drama, the catty fighting, the petty things like makeup and hair and shoes. I don't know. I'm usually a relaxed person who likes movies and video games and hanging out. The girl thing doesn't appeal to me so much, hence I kick it with dudes more often.Anyway, total digression. I started to think also about my issues with letting go of the past. Once my mother started to show signs of coming back to who she used to be, I was able to easier let go of the drama from what happened with her and her husband and our family. I still can't seem to let go entirely of the 8-year friendship I lost. For the most part, I'm over it. I wish her the best and hope she is doing well. I do miss her from time to time, but I also realize that who she is now and who I am now would not mesh. So I'm pretty okay with her. But, why can't I unblock her on facebook? Mhm. I have the worst time letting go of the last guy I fell hard for. Every time I think I'm okay and won't ever think about him again, something stirs a memory and more what if questions arise. Of course it always made me wonder why, and what was wrong with me that he acted like he wanted me at first then it all changed and he didn't. Eh. I blame myself for everything that went wrong with that situation. And I mostly don't care too too much. Again, I wish him the best, hope he's doing well. But there are still things that hurt my heart from time to time. And I want that to go away. I don't want my heart to hurt over a guy who hurt me TWO YEARS ago. I mean really, two years and my heart still hasn't healed fully yet? There must be something wrong with me.
Two months ago, I had I guess what you could call an episode. I have anxiety attacks every couple of months or so. I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions and hold everything back and eventually it builds up and explodes into a full on anxiety attack. Save your scolding, I know it's a bad habit. I'm over it. Happens once in a while, yadda yadda. But the thing is, the episode was different from an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks for me usually will last a few hours. I can get over it a while after it happens and mentally beat the crap out of me until I remember what positivity is and I can go about life normally again. This time, it didn't go away.
I felt it first coming on, that Friday night. I guess I was a little upset to be alone again, no plans, no friends responding to me. I shrugged it off, went to play the Sims. (I believe that was the night I created my evil Sim person. :) I don't think that really has any correspondence...) Sunday at work is when it really hit me. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to be bothered. That was the first night I moved my seat away from the 8 other coworkers that were there. Headphones went on and I think a bootleg of a broadway show played and I was thinking about the past. First wrong move. I felt a little blue and by the time I was driving home, my heart hurt and I was crying, just a little. On Monday, I went to work again, but I didn't talk at all that night. Normally I'll chat up a storm with my buddy but I didn't speak at all. I put music on - fast beats so I could work fast and not think. But then I changed my music from upbeat fun stuff to some mellow sadder tunes. I just had a weird change of thought processes and needed some quiet, wanted to think. That was probably the worst idea ever. This was the first night I had a breakdown. As soon as I got home my mind was a complete emotional mess and I was thinking about everything I mentioned above. Something was wrong with me. No one wanted me. No one would ever want me. Why was I this way? Why could I never be happy, if not for long, at all? I cried and cried for two or three hours. I may have even punched pillows and kicked my bed. I finally managed to cry myself to sleep. I woke up exhausted and my heart was still pretty heavy. I just wanted to curl back up in bed for a few more days. But I fought my way to work and hoped my eyes weren't puffy enough to show but they were. Everyone wondered what was up, I just stayed quiet. An hour into it, my coworker kept bugging me asking me what happened, why I was upset, why I wouldn't talk to him. He kept making me think of the night before and everything that went with it. I started to panic. I fought back tears, I fought to breathe evenly, to stop shaking but I couldn't fight it. I ran to the bathroom and tried to break down and get it out but I just kept breathing, short and fast. When I got back to my seat, all I could say to him was that I wanted to go home. And when I saw my boss, I told her, in broken pieces, I needed to leave. But when I got in the car, I couldn't go home. I didn't want to go and be alone again. I was always alone. I called my mom and broke down again, and begged to go there. Another wave of anxiety hit me during the drive there and I blinked through the tears to see my way to her house. When I got there and she calmed me down, I felt numb for a while. I just sat with her and watched TV and didn't think or feel anything. When it came time to leave, I stayed numb. Until I got home and broke down once more before finally going to sleep. It took four or five days to recompose myself. But something keeps tugging the back of my mind, as if to say it's lingering, waiting to come back. Haunting me, almost.
Today, I had an epiphany while talking to aforementioned friend. I started telling him about how for the first time ever last night, I got angry while drinking. I never get angry when I drink. If anything it makes me super happy. Once it had made me cry, but that was the first time I ever got drunk. Digression. Gah! So I was fuming while buzzed, totally new feeling for me. I did not approve. I caught myself about to go off on one of my sister's friends. I said one thing and as soon as I said it I forced myself to keep my mouth shut. I guess it was pretty evident I was pissed off but, as long as I kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be an angry drunk.
This wasn't the epiphany. The epiphany was that I've learned that my tolerance has dramatically lowered. I have always been the most patient, polite, understanding person I can be. Suddenly I can't take it if someone isn't as smart as me and we have to keep going over the same topics in class when I already understood it two classes ago. I can't tolerate when people are being unkind or manipulative, when usually I can just brush it off and let them do what they will. I get angrier and angrier, and I've become so much bitchier, pardon the language. I speak my mind so much more and not in a nice way. Acting more troublesome and spiteful when I don't really need to. This isn't me. Who am I?
It's all so out of my element that it scares me. Is this what I'm becoming, or will it pass? I know that personalities go through changes consistently, especially at my age, but...do I have to learn to control this anger and somehow come to terms with this new person? I don't want to. I need to fix this, but I don't know how. How do you fix yourself when you're broken?
