Thinking about Robert Frost..

I want you to take a moment, right now, to stop and think about where you are in your life. What room? What city or town? What state? What country even? What job are you currently working? What relationship are you in? What mindset? Now, after all that, I want you to ask yourself one question:
Did you ever think you would be exactly where you are now in your life?

Now that you're thinking about all of that, don't start thinking about what you wish you could change or what you could have done differently. Think about now. Think about what you still can do to make a difference in your life. Or maybe someone else's. What can you do to make your life better than it is now? Don't tell me your life is grand and there's nothing more you could possibly ask for. Life is a mass of opportunities waiting to be taken advantage of. Even if it's the most minuscule thing. Instead of wistfully thinking about it, do it. Time is precious and shouldn't be wasted.

Too few people realize that everything they've ever wanted is at their fingertips, if only they would grab it. When you really want something, nothing else should matter. You should do everything you can to obtain it. Money or distance are merely excuses for those who are too lazy to make an effort. Every obstacle can be overcome if you have the will to do so. Everyone in this world is looking for the easier way. The easier way to get what they want, or the easier way out of a bad situation. The more you look for it, the less you'll find. Aspirations take time and effort and more than a little elbow grease. They take passion, and heart and tons of struggling. Even a bit of failure is common along the way. You can't succeed without finding out what not to do first. This is why mistakes shouldn't be frowned upon.

A mistake is always a good thing because you have the chance to learn from them. You know for the next time how to right your wrongs. You know what you need to do better or differently. And I, for one, always enjoy a learning experience. No matter how much pain I have to go through, I know that in the end it will all be worth something. It's always toward a bigger and better goal. If at first you don't succeed, try again. And again. And again. Never give up. Giving up means you don't care. Giving up means it never mattered.

I think it's regrettable how many people aren't willing to do what it takes anymore. Everyone is either afraid of failing or getting hurt. And while I admit I am still working out how to not be afraid of getting hurt, I know that not trying won't do me any good. So go out. Try something new. Reach towards your goal. And when you're faced with that fork in the road, take the path with the bumps in it. Put everything you've got into what you want and don't give up when the going gets tough. Keep going!


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken"

Free from the Bonds of Friendship

My best friends are the fictional characters I've created for every unfinished story I have written. But I haven't been spending enough time with them lately. As a result, not a single one of them is speaking to me. It's because they know I've abandoned them before, and I might even do it again, given the chance. But maybe if I can force myself to put aside time for them again they'll forgive me? That sounds too easy...
I ended a legitimate friendship this week. I'd been wanting to do it for a long time, but couldn't find the words to do it. I'm not a person of hatred or cruelty and I just wanted there to be peace between us at the end of the day. I didn't expect to feel any guilt though. I guess because she is a troubled individual it makes things a little harder.

I've been friends with her once before, but we had a falling out. Sort of. Actually, I guess what really happened is she tired of me and didn't exactly let me know that. So when I found myself in a bad place and needed her to be a friend to me, I was ignored. Eventually I found the inner strength I needed and moved on. Two years later, I receive a message from her with an apology and an explanation as to how she is trying to right the wrongs of her life. Of course I wanted to give her a second chance. And of course, because I went against my gut instincts, it turned out to be the wrong decision.

The second time around we were finally honest with each other. About everything. I learned more about her than I ever had two years prior. But I couldn't seem to let myself open up to her as much as she had. I was still a little bitter from the past, I suppose. I know. I'm not proud. I did give it my best shot, being friends with her. We hung out several times and I tried to be myself. Really really tried. But what I came to learn is that we were in two very different places. While we both may have changed and grown up a little, I felt like I was in a more positive state in life than she was. Whereas I grew and learned to be happier, she seemed to be in a darker place but putting on a false bravado for everyone. But things weren't going well for her either. In the span of 3 months she lost an uncle, a dog, and pet guinea pig. As a good friend should, I offered myself if she ever needed. She turned to other...substances...as a shoulder to cry on. And while I can't exactly judge because I have partaken a few times, investing so much of yourself into something so bad for you is never a good way to go, in my opinion. She made it so evident that there was nothing I could do to stop her from destroying herself. And I'm no good at situations where I can't help out. If I can't help, I can't help. No use crying over it. When people don't want my help and start to act aggressive, it's in my nature to just walk away and let them be. What else can I do?

So that's what I did. I told her in the nicest words possible that her negativity was not something I wanted to be apart of. And while I wish her luck and hope that things work out for her, I can't be there for someone who won't accept it. I can't sit and listen day after to day to someone who "wants to be shot". To someone who would rather drown their sorrows in a bottle of alcohol or drugs. It brings me down and stresses me out. And that's something I really can't afford in my life when I already have so much of my own. However, there so much more to the story here than I care to elaborate on. For instance, something about a man who got between us, ever so slightly, might have just added insult to injury. But I digress.


I've been abandoned by friends before. It's not a great feeling. But I grew from it. I got stronger and more independent and I am more self-reliant than I ever thought I could be. Maybe some people can't find the strength they need. Or maybe it just takes some people longer. Maybe it's selfish of me. Does this make me a bad person? Abandoning a friend who clearly needs more help than she's willing to accept?

My head is a decidedly dangerous place to hide.

My fingertips are buzzing with energy, waiting for something amazing to flow out and onto the screen. Whether or not the words that follow are truly amazing is all pretty relative. But I'm hopeful, as always.

I'm feeling extremely inspired and motivated. While my body argues that sleep is what I really want, my mind tells me that I have to write out this feeling before it's lost and wasted on a dream. Not that dreams are a waste. But once you wake up, the world you were just in for 8 hours - is that a stretch? - instantly dissipates. They're curious things, dreams. I always remember the last lingering moment of mine before I wake up. (And recently, they have all been bizarre.) Supposedly dreams are manifestations of our subconscious. At least, that's one theory. I've always been intrigued by my dreams. A small part of me enjoys searching for the meaning inside them and seeing how they apply to reality. However, I'm not so naive as to think they are literal and meant to live by.

And then there are the other form of dreams which are not to live by, but to live for. A dream, a hope, of what you want life to be. Dream of a family, a love, a career, a home... Whatever the case may be, dream on and don't let go.

I think one thing I've come to realize lately is that I am a very positive person. Okay, maybe it's not really a shocking realization. I've always known who I am. But I suppose the real discovery is that I was keeping company with a lot of negativity and didn't realize it. I let go of some of the negativity from myself. I let go of the negative people who were in my life. I think the light inside me shines so brightly that I can't tolerate a lot of darkness. True, no one in the world goes without a little darkness inside their soul. And sadly, a lot of people live too deep in the darkness. But for me, if I can rid myself of the negatives, I will. I've come to find that I'm happier being just that - happy. When there is no drama in my life, it's easier to breathe. I get more done, feel better about myself. And that in turn makes me want to help others be happy too.

Maybe I had gravitated towards those with negative attributes because I want to help them? If there's one thing I'm sure of about myself, it's that I am a fantastic friend. I'm good at motivating and cheering up. I'm good at listening and being there when needed. It feels pretty natural to me to want to help people out. To want to be polite. Unfortunately it's also a downfall. Not many people have manners these days, nor do they have respect. The so-called "golden rule" to treat others as you'd want to be treated doesn't exist anymore.

On the other hand - or maybe foot, since this might be completely digressive - my moods seem to swing as low as they get high. Today I spent my shift at work contemplating my loneliness and emotions, and my upcoming birthday. [Mistake of the day: forgetting to bring my IPod to work to drown out all the thoughts in my head.] It's not that I mind being alone. I rather enjoy it, actually. I learned at an early age to be self-sufficient and independent. I never had many friends and enjoyed my own company. But some nights laying in bed alone isn't enough. My lack of experience holds me back from getting close to anyone. Existing trust issues are just strengthened when I don't know who to trust. Is he really interested in me and who I am or am I just something to conquer and tell his friends about? Yes, this can be a question for ANY woman with ANY amount of experience at ANY time of their life. But it just seems like it has more weight in my situation, given the circumstances. I know I can't really dwell but when you're sitting in front of a computer constantly typing for eight hours straight with no music to ease your mind, you think about these things.

As with every entry I post, I, myself, always see the words as redundant. But maybe you, the reader, see something I don't. Call it insecurity or my being my own worst critic. *shrug*
Going back to earlier musings, I encourage everyone to live like Steven Tyler and 'dream on'. ;)