My head is a decidedly dangerous place to hide.

My fingertips are buzzing with energy, waiting for something amazing to flow out and onto the screen. Whether or not the words that follow are truly amazing is all pretty relative. But I'm hopeful, as always.

I'm feeling extremely inspired and motivated. While my body argues that sleep is what I really want, my mind tells me that I have to write out this feeling before it's lost and wasted on a dream. Not that dreams are a waste. But once you wake up, the world you were just in for 8 hours - is that a stretch? - instantly dissipates. They're curious things, dreams. I always remember the last lingering moment of mine before I wake up. (And recently, they have all been bizarre.) Supposedly dreams are manifestations of our subconscious. At least, that's one theory. I've always been intrigued by my dreams. A small part of me enjoys searching for the meaning inside them and seeing how they apply to reality. However, I'm not so naive as to think they are literal and meant to live by.

And then there are the other form of dreams which are not to live by, but to live for. A dream, a hope, of what you want life to be. Dream of a family, a love, a career, a home... Whatever the case may be, dream on and don't let go.

I think one thing I've come to realize lately is that I am a very positive person. Okay, maybe it's not really a shocking realization. I've always known who I am. But I suppose the real discovery is that I was keeping company with a lot of negativity and didn't realize it. I let go of some of the negativity from myself. I let go of the negative people who were in my life. I think the light inside me shines so brightly that I can't tolerate a lot of darkness. True, no one in the world goes without a little darkness inside their soul. And sadly, a lot of people live too deep in the darkness. But for me, if I can rid myself of the negatives, I will. I've come to find that I'm happier being just that - happy. When there is no drama in my life, it's easier to breathe. I get more done, feel better about myself. And that in turn makes me want to help others be happy too.

Maybe I had gravitated towards those with negative attributes because I want to help them? If there's one thing I'm sure of about myself, it's that I am a fantastic friend. I'm good at motivating and cheering up. I'm good at listening and being there when needed. It feels pretty natural to me to want to help people out. To want to be polite. Unfortunately it's also a downfall. Not many people have manners these days, nor do they have respect. The so-called "golden rule" to treat others as you'd want to be treated doesn't exist anymore.

On the other hand - or maybe foot, since this might be completely digressive - my moods seem to swing as low as they get high. Today I spent my shift at work contemplating my loneliness and emotions, and my upcoming birthday. [Mistake of the day: forgetting to bring my IPod to work to drown out all the thoughts in my head.] It's not that I mind being alone. I rather enjoy it, actually. I learned at an early age to be self-sufficient and independent. I never had many friends and enjoyed my own company. But some nights laying in bed alone isn't enough. My lack of experience holds me back from getting close to anyone. Existing trust issues are just strengthened when I don't know who to trust. Is he really interested in me and who I am or am I just something to conquer and tell his friends about? Yes, this can be a question for ANY woman with ANY amount of experience at ANY time of their life. But it just seems like it has more weight in my situation, given the circumstances. I know I can't really dwell but when you're sitting in front of a computer constantly typing for eight hours straight with no music to ease your mind, you think about these things.

As with every entry I post, I, myself, always see the words as redundant. But maybe you, the reader, see something I don't. Call it insecurity or my being my own worst critic. *shrug*
Going back to earlier musings, I encourage everyone to live like Steven Tyler and 'dream on'. ;)