Wright and Rong

I think I'm reaching another point of self discovery. I thought I knew pretty well who I am and what I'm about. I love myself more than anyone else. And I don't think that's selfish. I think it's confident. I think it's necessary. You can't love someone until you love yourself, right? Well hey! I'm ahead of the game then. Digression, as usual. Sorry. But it's the truth. When you are happy with who you are and love yourself, really love yourself, it's so much easier to be a better person.

I had a breakthrough in my personality, recently. In my previous post, I mentioned a dream which I believe is what figuratively (and literally) woke me up. It helped me to reflect on the decisions in my life and my indecisiveness, which the post even before that touched upon. Funny how things tie together neatly, sometimes. I didn't realize until now that I am the one who holds all of the power in my life. No one else. If I think something is wrong, that's up to me. If I think it's right, same thing. And that's the big discovery - my sense of right and wrong has totally be skewed. Until now.

I have always been a good person. (Sounds cocky, I know.) I've always valued little things and tried to be true to my heart. I've helped people in need, and I've always felt that I am happier when I help someone. There is never a time where I don't lend a hand or at least offer to. Doing things for others...I don't know, satisfies me. It's sort of a sense of accomplishment, I guess. I'm very cautious about people's feelings but never by holding back the truth. Honesty is so short lived these days that I have to be honest. I can't hold back. I always try to give money to homeless people on the streets when I'm in the city, if I have it. And almost every year I've given money to charity through theater events. It's not the most I could do but it's something. And I'm always wishing I could do more. Even some of my beliefs were so innocently genuine. I didn't have sex as young as most because I wanted to be in love. I wanted it to be a good experience. I didn't want to just waste it. No, it didn't exactly pan out that way, but still. How many people can say they waited as long as I did because they knew in their heart it was what was right for them? Go ahead, try to find more than a handful. Genuine. I don't remember who said it, someone at work I think. But it stuck to me. I am a good and genuine person.

I think I kind of went away from the whole Right vs Wrong topic. Think Holden Caulfield was as digressive as me? Okay, okay! Anyway... This whole self-actualization process has finally gotten me to see that what is right or wrong for me, isn't right or wrong for someone else. For example, let's go with a popular theme at my job. Everyone and anyone there is messing around with each other. Opportunities have shown themselves to me, but I always decline. Why? I don't think it's right. Is it right for everyone else? Hey, that's their call. Personally, I'd call that "shitting where you eat" (thank you dad...). For the longest time, though, I think I've been living in the mindset that I can't do things because the world says it's wrong. Or, alternatively, something is okay to do if other people are doing it even if I know it's wrong.

When I said I hold the power to my life, this is what I meant. I am the one who decides. And maybe this will help me be more decisive. Maybe it's what I needed to know to make decisions for myself. I know it sounds silly to only realize this, but I am a child at heart and naive is my way of life. Well...mostly. Maybe it's right to do wrong sometimes. Or maybe it's wrong to do right. What I'm trying to say, and I'm sorry it's kind of a confused blur in this post, is that right and wrong is in the eye of the beholder. Don't let anyone hold you back if you think something is right for you. On the other hand, don't do what you know is wrong for you just because someone else thinks it's right. You're the only one who knows what you need and want.

Do something wrong for the sake of being right. Or vice versa. =)

Spiritual Guidance

I had this dream last night, that I wish I could remember more of. I woke up from it wondering if it meant something, and what could possibly have made me dream such a dream.

It was sort of like a spiritual vision quest, if you would. I remember I was walking through this place with a million different ways to choose - not pathways. There were a lot of colors and different people, as if whatever choice I made a person would tell me more about me. And I was being led through this by a spirit guide that wasn't exactly...anything. It was a voice telling me about myself with every different step I took. But if I steered off the path I was supposed to be following, he would get angry and burst in flames telling me to get back onto the path.

I remember there was one point where I was very curious about something and I wanted to explore what would happen if I took that path. What would the consequences be, was it just a curiosity that needed to be sated or was it a path I was truly destined to take? And my spirit guide kept telling me that I couldn't discover that right now. I had to wait and go back to it at the end. I could have a taste and learn a little bit about if I were interested, but to truly find out if it was what I wanted I would have to finish the journey and take a trip back later to learn more. And when I kept trying to push the subject, the guide would engulf himself in flames again and yell at me to be patient.

There was a pregnant woman with blood on her. But it wasn't from a wound or a miscarriage. She wasn't in pain. She just stood there in a long blue dress, waiting, with blood on her. This is where the dream went weird. For some reason I felt compelled to taste the blood. I know, extremely weird and/or gross. I have no explanation.

My guide pulled me along after a taste, to another row. At this point it was clearer that I was walking through aisles of opportunities and life choices. The guide explained I had a very big and heavy heart filled with lots of dreams and only I could fulfill them. It was up to me to follow my path, follow my heart to get what I want. No one else. He told me my heart was my biggest tool and I should use it more often. He told me my heart is the most important part of me and not to forget it.

I woke up just before I got to the end of this journey. It really made me think all night at work about my life. After these past two weeks of feeling melancholy and wanting to be quiet, waking up from this dream seemed to wake me up back to reality. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me not to worry so much and not to fret over every decision and pathway I have to figure out. The dream also made me wonder about my outlook on right and wrong. I've been trying to abide by society's view of what is right. I need to do what's right for me. I need to really start to learn how to decide for myself and not think of what I may or may not miss. I always say to live in the present, but I think my dream woke me up to realize that I have to stop saying it and just do it.

So here's some inspiration for the day: Life is a journey. You choose which direction you're going to go in. If you feel like taking a turn would be right, then do it. If you need to stop and rest or think, or perhaps satisfy your curiosity, go for it. Don't pretend to live your life, and don't let someone else live it for you. Life is wonderful, make every moment and every choice count!