“Some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.” -John M. Eades.

I think by now, it's pretty evident that I spend an excessive amount of time in my head. Whether I'm thinking about minute details of the day or being tormented with thoughts about life. Things like... Is this helping me get to where I want to be? Or, Can I even get there in time? Sometimes I think about my finances. Sometimes about my family. Or friends. Most of all, I find myself coming back to one single thought on every situation in my life: How am I going to get through this?

The good news is I'm not sitting here trying to figure out if I even AM going to get through things. I'm confident enough to know I can break any barrier, climb out of any hole. But it's the one or two days I spend in pity and wallowing that get to me. All I can do on these days is think and think and think some more. I continuously rack my brain for reasons to mope. Pondering all those 'what ifs' of the previous post. But after those few days pass, I can go back to my cheerful
demeanor since I've gotten all the overthinking and overanalyzing out of the way. But now that I suddenly can't make the thinking go away, I'm a little bit afraid for my emotional well being.

Recently my job banned any type of music from the lab. For most, this wasn't a big deal. For me - horrifying. I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, typing. It's boring. It's tedious. And I'm surrounded by Filipino chatterboxes who don't like to speak English. At all. (This does not make me a racist!) Now, I'm an introvert. Thus, I keep to myself. I don't talk all that much. I enjoy the quiet. My escape from having to listen to the ridiculousness was my Ipod. But that's not the only escape my Ipod gave me. Two weeks into this banishment, I find myself stressed out and emotionally exhausted. Without music to drown out my thoughts, I find myself thinking about anything and everything. And believe it or not, it's tiring to sit and think for eight hours straight.

You'd think for a writer, this could be amazing! All this time to think up new ideas, create characters. And while I'm lucky enough to get those nights every now and then, my head isn't just some la-dee-da fantasy world all the time. Having so much time to think turns out to be a very bad thing for me. My brain will decide...'Let's think about the past today! Remember when you were happy? Remember you were miserable? Remember when you were a kid and didn't have to worry about anything??' And then...'Let's think about the future today! Your goals are so far away, still. Your dream won't come true, you discovered it too late. What about love? Marriage? Kids? What if your future isn't what you want it to be? Then what will you do?' A lot of times I get the...'Time to think about today! What are you going to get done? You have a huge list of things to do. What are you going to eat? When are you going to sleep? Will you write today?' So on and so forth...

Some nights are spent thinking about things other than my own life. I wonder about my family a lot. Is my mother going to be okay? Will my sister's happiness last? I hope it will. How are my brothers going to turn out? They're so young still and on the brink of becoming actual people. Will my dad really be disappointed if I don't live up to his expectations? Will he ever get a break in his own life, for a change? I hope my grandmother's okay. When will my cousin prove everyone wrong?

Other nights, friendships are the main focus. Will our friendship ever be the way it was before? Is it worth it to hold on? Is she seriously considering doing that? If I try to talk her out of it, would I be hurting her? Does he realize that ever since she came back into his life he's tuned me out? Is he really judging me that harshly because of one stupid mistake? I thought he was my friend? I hope she gets to do what she wanted to. I hope this job works out for him. I can't wait to see her again. When am I seeing them again!?

My head is so overstuffed with thoughts and emotions and I have no idea how to let them out or force them away. It's bad enough that I have issues getting to sleep because I can't turn my mind off. But now it's on for 8 hours more at work. I know, this sounds dramatic and insignificant. But I thought writing it out could possibly help. Writing things out is a coping method of mine, and you, the lucky readers, are just here for the disastrous ride. Haha. =)

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."
~Bertrand Russell

Rejoice Regrets

Life is short and all about taking risks. Big risks, little risks. How do we know which risks are the right risks to take? Well that's just it, isn't it. You can't really tell what's going to be worth going for until after you try. Or, alternatively, after you don't. And, of course, when you pass something up, all you can do is sit and wonder... What if?

People always ask me if there was one thing in my life I could change, what would it be? What is my biggest regret? Now, it's perfectly normal to have regrets. And I don't deny having a few. I regret my choice of living and school straight out of high school. I regret making friends with bad people. I regret losing good friends. I regret fooling around with a few guys. I regret NOT fooling around with one guy. I regret not letting him kiss me when he tried. I regret not speaking my mind until it was too late. I regret not telling my mother the truth until now. I regret not spending enough time with my family. I regret spending money on petty materialistic items. I regret not taking care of myself. I regret all of the bad habits I have that I refuse to break.

Rereading through that, I didn't realize how many I had. But the main thing is, I don't choose to live by them. Having regrets and living in regret are two completely different things. It's okay to have regrets. It's only human. To wish we could change bad things we'd done or bad choices we've made is not uncommon. The goal in life is to do exactly what you want to do to be happy. Or at least, that's my personal point of view. I figure happiness is the only thing REALLY worth working toward. And that can be achieved in several ways. Love, Job, Money, Friends, Family, etc. Whatever makes you happy. Living in regret, however, will not bring happiness.

When I see people constantly feeling sorry for themselves and wishing life was different and wanting to change all the bad they'd done, I don't really feel much sympathy or pity. A little, just because it's sad that they've managed to make their life that way. And I don't want to hear that bad things could happen that weren't their fault. Yes, that's oh so entirely true. Bad things happen to everyone that are out of their control. BUT! It's your choice if you want to dwell upon it longer than necessary. Be mad, be sad, but don't live that way.

I believe that everyone has the strength to overcome anything if they just try. If they just believe. It's their own fault if they want to sit alone and mope and consume drugs or alcohol or play with sharp objects. No one HAS to do that. No one is forced. That's your coping method? Find a new one. Surround yourself with people who want to help you. Surround your self with positivity and life will be better. Being caught in a mass of negativity will just make things more negative.

So. What is my biggest regret? What's the one life-changing event I wish I could take back? There isn't one. I embrace my regrets after wallowing in them for a day or two. Because I love where and who I am now in my life. Regrets are what shape us as individuals. When you make a bad choice, you can learn from it. It shows your strengths and weaknesses and it shows you are human. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. And without everything that has happened to me I wouldn't be where and who I am. I'm strong, I'm independent, and I'm always optimistic and generally happy. I love everything I have and everyone in my life. And I wish that everyone else could feel like this about themselves. When you reach a point in life where you know who you are and you like it and you don't care about anyone or anything else, it's pretty neat.

Never regret anything. Because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

Leap and the net will appear...

"Moving on" and "Letting Go".

Why is that these two phrases can be the hardest thing for most people to do? I mean really do. You can easily say that you've moved on from something or let something go but secretly you know that's not the truth. Generally it seems these two phrases only apply to the experiences that have hurt us or impacted us in some big way. A broken friendship, a break up, a death. When have you ever heard someone say let go of the good times? Move on from your happy moment already? Happiness and good times are so few and far between that we hold onto them so tightly. But, then, we hold on even tighter to the bad times. Why do we do that? It doesn't help the hurt to go away. It doesn't make us a better or stronger person. We're stronger when we can say it's over and actually mean it.

In my life, I've struggled over and over and over again with letting go. And to this day, I still have issues with it. I had to let go of friends constantly, growing up. Moving from place to place for seven consecutive years will do that to you. I guess that's why it's not as hard in the friend department anymore. (Although for a while I was bitter after the loss of a best friend of eight years. But that was more or less because of the lack of closure.) Because of controversy with her husband, I had to learn to let go of my mother for a while, which was probably the hardest thing for me to do. It broke my heart not to have my mother in my life. Luckily, I can say things are exceedingly better now, but that's a story for a different day.

The most recent thing - and I'm ashamed of it a little because it's been over a year now - that I've had to work at letting go of was a guy. I know, I know. Groan that it's so cliche of me. I'll agree! For all the drama of falling for him and thinking I stood a chance only to be let down, it really wasn't the fact that I loved him that ate at me. Sure that was a factor for a while but that went away fairly quickly. It was because he wasn't just some guy I fell for, he was one of my best friends. I think the bitterness stuck with me so long not because of how I felt about him but because after the way things were left off - you know the whole "lets just stay friends and not ruin the friendship" shebang - everything just kind of...stopped. I barely heard from him. And that hurt more than the rejection. Here I had this person who was one of my best friends who I could always talk to and could always make me feel better. And suddenly it disappeared.

When I decided finally to write it all out, it was a longer process than I anticipated. As part of it I decided to go through our online conversations. (And before you start to judge and call me crazy!! I did not save them. If you now the instant messaging program Skype, you know that it saves conversations automatically.) I realized while reading that I was laughing and smiling at it all. I was reliving the good times and forgetting about the bad. And it was great! It wasn't hurting. I didn't feel that usual pang in my heart. And that's when it hit me. Something in my head clicked and I knew that I was finally over it. And not just telling myself I was over it. Legitimately. No more talking myself into denial. The whole situation. No more lying to everyone, lying to myself. I was done wallowing and wishing and wondering what I'd done wrong. It didn't matter anymore. What's done was done and I didn't care. It felt like the biggest breath of fresh air after being under water for the longest time. And it felt AMAZING.

I confuse myself sometimes. I cannot for the life of me hold a grudge and yet I still maintain "letting go issues". I guess the whole point of this ramble of my woes was to just let anyone who's reading who has the same issues know that they're not alone. We all go through the cycle. Living in denial is one way, but it feels so much better to face that denial and give it a good sucker punch to the face. Because you're stronger than you think. When you finally do stand up and let go, it feels amazing. And you can move on to bigger, better, happier, greener pastures. Happiness is worth holding onto. Sadness and anger aren't. They're a waste of time and energy. Don't let the bad memories consume. Instead, let life consume you. Smile daily. Laugh as much as you can. I promise you it's worth it.