“Some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.” -John M. Eades.

I think by now, it's pretty evident that I spend an excessive amount of time in my head. Whether I'm thinking about minute details of the day or being tormented with thoughts about life. Things like... Is this helping me get to where I want to be? Or, Can I even get there in time? Sometimes I think about my finances. Sometimes about my family. Or friends. Most of all, I find myself coming back to one single thought on every situation in my life: How am I going to get through this?

The good news is I'm not sitting here trying to figure out if I even AM going to get through things. I'm confident enough to know I can break any barrier, climb out of any hole. But it's the one or two days I spend in pity and wallowing that get to me. All I can do on these days is think and think and think some more. I continuously rack my brain for reasons to mope. Pondering all those 'what ifs' of the previous post. But after those few days pass, I can go back to my cheerful
demeanor since I've gotten all the overthinking and overanalyzing out of the way. But now that I suddenly can't make the thinking go away, I'm a little bit afraid for my emotional well being.

Recently my job banned any type of music from the lab. For most, this wasn't a big deal. For me - horrifying. I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, typing. It's boring. It's tedious. And I'm surrounded by Filipino chatterboxes who don't like to speak English. At all. (This does not make me a racist!) Now, I'm an introvert. Thus, I keep to myself. I don't talk all that much. I enjoy the quiet. My escape from having to listen to the ridiculousness was my Ipod. But that's not the only escape my Ipod gave me. Two weeks into this banishment, I find myself stressed out and emotionally exhausted. Without music to drown out my thoughts, I find myself thinking about anything and everything. And believe it or not, it's tiring to sit and think for eight hours straight.

You'd think for a writer, this could be amazing! All this time to think up new ideas, create characters. And while I'm lucky enough to get those nights every now and then, my head isn't just some la-dee-da fantasy world all the time. Having so much time to think turns out to be a very bad thing for me. My brain will decide...'Let's think about the past today! Remember when you were happy? Remember you were miserable? Remember when you were a kid and didn't have to worry about anything??' And then...'Let's think about the future today! Your goals are so far away, still. Your dream won't come true, you discovered it too late. What about love? Marriage? Kids? What if your future isn't what you want it to be? Then what will you do?' A lot of times I get the...'Time to think about today! What are you going to get done? You have a huge list of things to do. What are you going to eat? When are you going to sleep? Will you write today?' So on and so forth...

Some nights are spent thinking about things other than my own life. I wonder about my family a lot. Is my mother going to be okay? Will my sister's happiness last? I hope it will. How are my brothers going to turn out? They're so young still and on the brink of becoming actual people. Will my dad really be disappointed if I don't live up to his expectations? Will he ever get a break in his own life, for a change? I hope my grandmother's okay. When will my cousin prove everyone wrong?

Other nights, friendships are the main focus. Will our friendship ever be the way it was before? Is it worth it to hold on? Is she seriously considering doing that? If I try to talk her out of it, would I be hurting her? Does he realize that ever since she came back into his life he's tuned me out? Is he really judging me that harshly because of one stupid mistake? I thought he was my friend? I hope she gets to do what she wanted to. I hope this job works out for him. I can't wait to see her again. When am I seeing them again!?

My head is so overstuffed with thoughts and emotions and I have no idea how to let them out or force them away. It's bad enough that I have issues getting to sleep because I can't turn my mind off. But now it's on for 8 hours more at work. I know, this sounds dramatic and insignificant. But I thought writing it out could possibly help. Writing things out is a coping method of mine, and you, the lucky readers, are just here for the disastrous ride. Haha. =)

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."
~Bertrand Russell