Leap and the net will appear...

"Moving on" and "Letting Go".

Why is that these two phrases can be the hardest thing for most people to do? I mean really do. You can easily say that you've moved on from something or let something go but secretly you know that's not the truth. Generally it seems these two phrases only apply to the experiences that have hurt us or impacted us in some big way. A broken friendship, a break up, a death. When have you ever heard someone say let go of the good times? Move on from your happy moment already? Happiness and good times are so few and far between that we hold onto them so tightly. But, then, we hold on even tighter to the bad times. Why do we do that? It doesn't help the hurt to go away. It doesn't make us a better or stronger person. We're stronger when we can say it's over and actually mean it.

In my life, I've struggled over and over and over again with letting go. And to this day, I still have issues with it. I had to let go of friends constantly, growing up. Moving from place to place for seven consecutive years will do that to you. I guess that's why it's not as hard in the friend department anymore. (Although for a while I was bitter after the loss of a best friend of eight years. But that was more or less because of the lack of closure.) Because of controversy with her husband, I had to learn to let go of my mother for a while, which was probably the hardest thing for me to do. It broke my heart not to have my mother in my life. Luckily, I can say things are exceedingly better now, but that's a story for a different day.

The most recent thing - and I'm ashamed of it a little because it's been over a year now - that I've had to work at letting go of was a guy. I know, I know. Groan that it's so cliche of me. I'll agree! For all the drama of falling for him and thinking I stood a chance only to be let down, it really wasn't the fact that I loved him that ate at me. Sure that was a factor for a while but that went away fairly quickly. It was because he wasn't just some guy I fell for, he was one of my best friends. I think the bitterness stuck with me so long not because of how I felt about him but because after the way things were left off - you know the whole "lets just stay friends and not ruin the friendship" shebang - everything just kind of...stopped. I barely heard from him. And that hurt more than the rejection. Here I had this person who was one of my best friends who I could always talk to and could always make me feel better. And suddenly it disappeared.

When I decided finally to write it all out, it was a longer process than I anticipated. As part of it I decided to go through our online conversations. (And before you start to judge and call me crazy!! I did not save them. If you now the instant messaging program Skype, you know that it saves conversations automatically.) I realized while reading that I was laughing and smiling at it all. I was reliving the good times and forgetting about the bad. And it was great! It wasn't hurting. I didn't feel that usual pang in my heart. And that's when it hit me. Something in my head clicked and I knew that I was finally over it. And not just telling myself I was over it. Legitimately. No more talking myself into denial. The whole situation. No more lying to everyone, lying to myself. I was done wallowing and wishing and wondering what I'd done wrong. It didn't matter anymore. What's done was done and I didn't care. It felt like the biggest breath of fresh air after being under water for the longest time. And it felt AMAZING.

I confuse myself sometimes. I cannot for the life of me hold a grudge and yet I still maintain "letting go issues". I guess the whole point of this ramble of my woes was to just let anyone who's reading who has the same issues know that they're not alone. We all go through the cycle. Living in denial is one way, but it feels so much better to face that denial and give it a good sucker punch to the face. Because you're stronger than you think. When you finally do stand up and let go, it feels amazing. And you can move on to bigger, better, happier, greener pastures. Happiness is worth holding onto. Sadness and anger aren't. They're a waste of time and energy. Don't let the bad memories consume. Instead, let life consume you. Smile daily. Laugh as much as you can. I promise you it's worth it.