Good.

I can't sleep, so naturally I write. Tonight what's keeping me up is the past. But what else is new, right? I think my ipod was to blame for tonight's trip down memory lane, however. Songs from the past came on at work and brought the memories to the surface. Thanks a lot, Apple. Your invention keeps ruining my thought process at work...

On the other hand, this particular dilemma has been on and off my mind for months now. I keep thinking about an ex-friend and the situation that caused the friendship to end. Now there were several reasons behind the ending of the friendship, but this situation was what threw us both over the edge. Naturally, there was a man. If you could see me now, you'd see a laugh turn into a grin and then melt into a frown. Ah, good ol' emotions. So I've been thinking lately about sending a message to this once friend. When I decided to walk away from her, I chose to do so at a point in time where her life was not functioning exactly well. A lot of deaths and a lot of negativity was present in her life and it was starting to suck the happiness out of my life. But despite all that, I still felt incredibly horrible about leaving her. And to this day it still eats at my conscience that I left when I did and the way I did. I didn't really give her completely rational reasoning, and I didn't even explain what happened with the man who got between us. I just got fed up and gave her a mediocre goodbye and left it at that.

For all the bad crap that happened between us, any normal person would have just let it go right then and there and not worried anymore. A normal person would say that they didn't deserve a friend like me. But I'm not really that normal. I have this insatiable need to be a genuinely good person. Not only that, but I pride myself on being a great friend. That's probably why a lot of people have gotten second chances out of me. I always realize where I went wrong and try to make them realize where we BOTH went wrong and see if we can try one more time to do it right. Sometimes it's a great attribute to have. Other times, not so much. I'm not saying I want to give her a third chance, not right now, anyway. But I hate myself for leaving someone who trusted me and included me in the very few people she could talk to. I know how it is to have someone leave you at the worse point in your life. Someone you thought cared and gave so much to. And it would tear me up inside that they could just walk away after that. So naturally, it bothers me that I could do that to someone when I can't stand it being done to me. She deserved a real explanation and, on top of that, an apology.

I really wish I could understand why I am the way I am, that I have to be a good person and always do the right thing (by my standards). I don't know why I find it extremely necessary. I'm not religious so it's not that I want to be a good person so I can get into heaven. And as a matter of fact, I never even expect anything to come from being a good person. It just seems to come naturally. I care a lot. I am generous and helpful. It just makes me happy to be this way. And I guess...if something makes you happy, you shouldn't question it, right?