Alter-Ego

I'm a little disappointed in myself, as of late. I've been feeling a lot of negativity towards myself, not physically, which is typical for me, but emotionally. And I'm usually such a happy-go-lucky person. But it's starting to eat at me. I'm starting to realize that certain aspects of my personality are not appealing, mainly to myself. And I want to change them, but I'm not sure exactly how.

Indecisiveness - I have a problem with making decisions. Half the time it's because I generally just don't care. (i.e. food, what to do, where to go, etc.). The other half is being scared. Scared to get out of my comfort zone, try new things, be vulnerable. Of course this half applies to the more social aspects of my life like relationships and such. It's something I'm constantly trying to work on. But I feel like it's gotten a lot more obvious and annoying lately...

Impulsiveness - I've been doing things on impulse a lot more, recently. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Okay, a lot of times it's not. Control. I need to develop control of this, which is kind of...paradoxical because I am a control freak a majority of the time.

Desperation for Approval - This one is the one that bugs me the most. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that is completely 100% unlike me. I loathe this new trait. I don't know why I act this way but it's like a switch turns on and suddenly I'm trying to be funny or smart or attractive because I want to feel loved.

And I guess that's just it, isn't it? I feel love deprived a lot of the time. Not by my family, not all the time. I want people to like me. I do my best to be likeable in every part of my life. I'm funny, I'm helpful, thoughtful, generous and a lot of the time for the wrong people. I'm constantly unappreciated and underestimated. Suddenly kindness is mistaken for stupidity. I want to make friends because I don't have many and I want to feel like I'm not the weird girl in the corner anymore.

All of my life I've always felt different, out of the ordinary, like no one could understand the mechanics of my mind. In school, I was always quiet and never part of a clique or hanging out with friends. I sat at lunch and read books. I went home and wrote until I had to go to sleep. I was a loner. And sometimes I didn't mind it. And sometimes it bothered me. A lot. It bothered my mother, too. She would always ask why I wasn't out with friends. Why I always stayed home.

Maybe it's because I was always the new kid. Moved around 6 or 7 times in my childhood, went to at least as many schools. I was always new, no one knew me. And I felt like no one wanted to know me. No one tried. I was polite to everyone, even those with physical and mental disabilities and THAT made me weird and avoidable. In elementary school, I played with a group of girls every day until one day we played a game. And one girl had us in a line telling us we were all garbage. But when she got to me, she stopped mid-sentence and rephrased to tell me my teeth were garbage. For one thing, I was self-conscious already about my teeth because I knew they were crooked. But what got me was that of all of us, she stopped in front of me just to tell me how much she noticed how bad my teeth looked. I ran away from the group and cried. In middle school, I got made fun of and bullied by the other girls. Rumors were always being spread. They'd said I called this girl a slut or some other girl a bitch when I never said a thing. If they found out I liked a guy, they would ruin any chance by running to tell them. One girl, who claimed to be my friend, lied to me saying there was a stain on my pants, just to embarrass me. A whole class laughed at me when my zipper was down after coming back from the bathroom. Even the teacher. Not a single person told me about it. They all just laughed until I realized it. Sometimes, the girls would tell their parents lies and I would get in trouble and never get to hang out with them again. But by that point, why would I have wanted to? When I started high school, I was told a group of girls wanted to beat me up. For no reason. I lost a best friend because her friends told her lies about me and she believed them. I have never mentioned any of this to anyone, until now. I guess the strength gained from it all finally outweighs the hurt.

Everywhere we moved, I made one friend. That's it. One friend who was my best friend. One friend who always promised to keep in touch when I had to move again, and never did. And I have yet to find one person in my life - a best friend, so to speak - who truly gets me in every way. I'm envious of my sister because she has that. I'm envious of some of my friends who have that. I do have a couple of extremely close friends but not close enough that I am 100% myself with them. I apologize for any of them who happen to be reading this and are hurt by the previous statement. It's not out of resentment. I am truly grateful for everyone in my life. I just feel that I don't have that #2 person in my life (aside from my sister). And I want it. I want so bad to have at least one person.

All my life, my kindness has killed me. Caused me to be trampled on, bullied, deemed stupid or weird. And all I've wanted was a friend. I know wallowing and moping doesn't solve anything. I know that perseverance is the means to success. I know that tomorrow I'll be smiling again. Maybe only on the outside. Or maybe on the inside too. I am strong and I can get through anything. But sometimes, it's okay to stop and think or write it out. Or even cry it out, if necessary. We're all human. Emotions get the better of us from time to time. But it's our reactions that matter. It's what we do, the choices we make, how we move forward that really show our true character.

I invite everyone to emote, and then react. :)