Turn and Face the Strain

Okay. I have gone on and on in the last couple of posts about how I feel out of sync with myself and can't get a grip of the personality shifts I've been going through. But I think I may have finally figured it out. I've realized a few things that I think may help me. I don't need to rely on someone else to fix me. For that matter, I don't think I need to keep thinking that the only way I'll survive is if I have someone to help me. I've been independent most of my life, and somehow that is the one part of me that I believe will never change. And I'm grateful for that. Being self-sufficient has helped me to endure so many things throughout my life. And it took me way too long to remember that I am the best person to help myself. I am the only one that I need to overcome difficulties that I have with myself. That should have been a no-brainer but I think my knack for over-analysis tends to cloud those thoughts that actually make sense.

Speaking of thinking, I have been thinking about life and my goals recently. I felt somewhat blue the other night because I watched a behind the scenes special on a musical group that are younger than me and are already further than where they thought they'd be. I guess it made me wonder if I wasn't doing enough to achieve what I want to. Not to mention that I don't have any clue as to where to begin being who I want to be. I couldn't help thinking about all the people in the world who start so young, even at the ages of 3 or 4 to be athletes or dancers or singers or performers; poets, novelists, journalists; politicians and businessmen and women. When you know what it is you want to do, it all seems so simple. This is what I want. This is how I'll get it. But it's not. How do those who have already achieved so much get there so young? Do they have more passion or drive than I do? Or more connections? What am I missing?

One thing I have that I never doubt is talent. I used to be modest about it and my own worst critic but I've come to love my craft and trust that what I love is good enough. The praise heaped certainly helps, sure. But my own passion is my faith. That I can love doing something enough gives me enough hope and courage to believe I am actually good for and at something. That I have talent. And talent shouldn't be wasted. If you are so blessed to have a gift bestowed upon you it would be tragic to waste it. The only thing I can't figure out is what to do with my own talent. But in time I'm sure I'll find some clarity.

Anyway, I've strayed from the initial thought that spurred this post. I was reading a book tonight called Writing Down to the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. It's all about writing and "freeing the writer within". I don't know what compelled me to take it down from the shelf tonight. And when I did I found a bookmark in it but no recollection of reading it. So I opened it up and attempted to refresh my memory. What I didn't expect was to find myself inside it. Something that I've come to realize as of late is that I think I have lost touch with myself because I've lost touch with my passion. My passion for writing is what healed me and kept me sane. The last time I was so low in life was when I was trapped living with my mom and her husband. But I came through it because I was always writing. I wrote every single day that I was in that house - no exaggerations. Every. Single. Day. I never stopped to think whether or not it was bad. I never gave up on it. I kept going through. I would spend hours in my room working away, escaping everything. I was happy because I was doing what I loved and no one could take it from me. I was a writer. This was how I coped, how I fixed what was happening. All of my emotions would go into the stories I wrote, whether I realized it or not. It was my emotional release that kept my mind balanced just enough.

I can heal myself through writing, and I forgot that. And I'm ashamed in myself that it took me so long to remember. This is who I am, isn't it?! It doesn't matter what changes I go through in life. I will always be the writer. I just need to get back into the groove of it. I think, truly, that it could revive me. Bring me back to who I loved I was, not who I am now. I wrote a little something in the car tonight too, which somewhat goes with this thought:

Everyone always asks me what I want to be when I grow up
They all ask me what I'll do with my life
I don't know

But who really does?
Just gonna be me because
I live my life without discretion

That's what it's about

Love and Expression
Be you who you ARE
Not who you'll be
And you'll see

You are an exception.

It's a little bit cheesy and probably could be fine tuned. What did I say about being my own worst critic? ;)

Fact of the matter is, I am going to make changes to help myself. I'm not going to let who I am go for who I've been turning into. I think once this semester of school ends, everything will come together and I can begin a self renewal and revitalization. Starting over can be good and I think it's definitely something I need. Going back to my roots to start over again. Something like that. This book that I just read a few chapters of reminded me. It took me back to the very beginning when I first started getting serious about writing. When ideas were always fresh and I could lose all sense of time in it. I realized, I haven't been happy in so long because I stopped writing every day. I always think that I could never commit to doing it again. But then one quote hit me in this book:

"Like running, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Some days you don't want to run and you resist every step of the three miles, but you do it anyway. You practice whether you want to or not. You don't wait around for inspiration and a deep desire to run. It'll never happen, especially if you are out of shape and avoiding it. But if you run regularly, you train your mind to cut through or ignore your resistance. You just do it. And in the middle of the run, you love it. When you come to the end, you never want to stop."

It's so much the truth, for anything anyone wants to do, not just writing. Think about it and apply it to your own life. And don't discount any talent you may have because you don't know what to do with it. Waste not, want not. =)

Masquerading as Me

I haven't felt like myself for a while now. I was discussing it with a friend tonight, and it's becoming more and more apparent that I'm losing myself. I'm not who I was and I don't like it. I don't like who I'm becoming because it's very out of character for me. I'm not this person who resents everyone and everything. I don't think of the cons before the pros. I don't lose hope, or get consumed with negative thoughts. But lately, this is who I've turned into. This is a darker, meaner, more cynical me. And while I know I've always had a sliver of this person inside me, it's never been predominant.

At first it was a few little things. I kept going back to the past, thinking over what happened in the past few years and all of the people I've had to leave behind and let go of. I started to miss them and contemplated reaching out to them again. I had to really force myself to sit down and think about all of the pain and all of the negativity they brought to remind myself why I had let them go. To have to force myself to really think of that was not a good sign. I should have realized that.

I began to feel my mind becoming overwhelmed with constant over thinking -- more than usual. I started wondering about all of the 'what if's. What if I hadn't done that, or said that, or stopped that? What if I hadn't gone? What if, what if... I never focus on what I can't control. I can't change the past or the future so I rarely think about it. I'm a control freak enough in the present.

Then I started constantly thinking about myself, and not in the narcissistic sense. I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. I was always alone, all of my life. Why was that? Why did I get bullied through my teenage years? Why didn't people like me? I was never mean. I was always polite. I was so quiet and shy, I would never do anything wrong. What could it have been that kept people from wanting to be my friends? And even when I did make friends, they never lasted. Why was that? Why was I always the one who cared more? When I moved away, and we'd promise to keep in touch, I was always the one who had to make the phone calls. That's still pretty true today too, with current friends. I'm usually the one to call, not the other way around. So why do I care so much? Why do I always put an effort into those who always give me less? How can I stop doing that?

I wondered, will I always be alone? Why is it always difficult to make friends? At this point in life, I've found it so much easier to be friends with guys. It's quite ironic, because for most of my life I had always been so shy and so scared to talk to guys. Suddenly I outgrew my shell and they're the only ones I like to talk to. Yes, sometimes I do enjoy male attention BUT! I find that I can connect better with guys than girls. That is, until it becomes apparent that I'm just a girl they want to mess around with. Then they get dropped. With girls, I've found lately that I don't have much tolerance for all of the drama, the catty fighting, the petty things like makeup and hair and shoes. I don't know. I'm usually a relaxed person who likes movies and video games and hanging out. The girl thing doesn't appeal to me so much, hence I kick it with dudes more often.

Anyway, total digression. I started to think also about my issues with letting go of the past. Once my mother started to show signs of coming back to who she used to be, I was able to easier let go of the drama from what happened with her and her husband and our family. I still can't seem to let go entirely of the 8-year friendship I lost. For the most part, I'm over it. I wish her the best and hope she is doing well. I do miss her from time to time, but I also realize that who she is now and who I am now would not mesh. So I'm pretty okay with her. But, why can't I unblock her on facebook? Mhm. I have the worst time letting go of the last guy I fell hard for. Every time I think I'm okay and won't ever think about him again, something stirs a memory and more what if questions arise. Of course it always made me wonder why, and what was wrong with me that he acted like he wanted me at first then it all changed and he didn't. Eh. I blame myself for everything that went wrong with that situation. And I mostly don't care too too much. Again, I wish him the best, hope he's doing well. But there are still things that hurt my heart from time to time. And I want that to go away. I don't want my heart to hurt over a guy who hurt me TWO YEARS ago. I mean really, two years and my heart still hasn't healed fully yet? There must be something wrong with me.

Two months ago, I had I guess what you could call an episode. I have anxiety attacks every couple of months or so. I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions and hold everything back and eventually it builds up and explodes into a full on anxiety attack. Save your scolding, I know it's a bad habit. I'm over it. Happens once in a while, yadda yadda. But the thing is, the episode was different from an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks for me usually will last a few hours. I can get over it a while after it happens and mentally beat the crap out of me until I remember what positivity is and I can go about life normally again. This time, it didn't go away.

I felt it first coming on, that Friday night. I guess I was a little upset to be alone again, no plans, no friends responding to me. I shrugged it off, went to play the Sims. (I believe that was the night I created my evil Sim person. :) I don't think that really has any correspondence...) Sunday at work is when it really hit me. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to be bothered. That was the first night I moved my seat away from the 8 other coworkers that were there. Headphones went on and I think a bootleg of a broadway show played and I was thinking about the past. First wrong move. I felt a little blue and by the time I was driving home, my heart hurt and I was crying, just a little. On Monday, I went to work again, but I didn't talk at all that night. Normally I'll chat up a storm with my buddy but I didn't speak at all. I put music on - fast beats so I could work fast and not think. But then I changed my music from upbeat fun stuff to some mellow sadder tunes. I just had a weird change of thought processes and needed some quiet, wanted to think. That was probably the worst idea ever. This was the first night I had a breakdown. As soon as I got home my mind was a complete emotional mess and I was thinking about everything I mentioned above. Something was wrong with me. No one wanted me. No one would ever want me. Why was I this way? Why could I never be happy, if not for long, at all? I cried and cried for two or three hours. I may have even punched pillows and kicked my bed. I finally managed to cry myself to sleep. I woke up exhausted and my heart was still pretty heavy. I just wanted to curl back up in bed for a few more days. But I fought my way to work and hoped my eyes weren't puffy enough to show but they were. Everyone wondered what was up, I just stayed quiet. An hour into it, my coworker kept bugging me asking me what happened, why I was upset, why I wouldn't talk to him. He kept making me think of the night before and everything that went with it. I started to panic. I fought back tears, I fought to breathe evenly, to stop shaking but I couldn't fight it. I ran to the bathroom and tried to break down and get it out but I just kept breathing, short and fast. When I got back to my seat, all I could say to him was that I wanted to go home. And when I saw my boss, I told her, in broken pieces, I needed to leave. But when I got in the car, I couldn't go home. I didn't want to go and be alone again. I was always alone. I called my mom and broke down again, and begged to go there. Another wave of anxiety hit me during the drive there and I blinked through the tears to see my way to her house. When I got there and she calmed me down, I felt numb for a while. I just sat with her and watched TV and didn't think or feel anything. When it came time to leave, I stayed numb. Until I got home and broke down once more before finally going to sleep. It took four or five days to recompose myself. But something keeps tugging the back of my mind, as if to say it's lingering, waiting to come back. Haunting me, almost.

Today, I had an epiphany while talking to aforementioned friend. I started telling him about how for the first time ever last night, I got angry while drinking. I never get angry when I drink. If anything it makes me super happy. Once it had made me cry, but that was the first time I ever got drunk. Digression. Gah! So I was fuming while buzzed, totally new feeling for me. I did not approve. I caught myself about to go off on one of my sister's friends. I said one thing and as soon as I said it I forced myself to keep my mouth shut. I guess it was pretty evident I was pissed off but, as long as I kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be an angry drunk.

This wasn't the epiphany. The epiphany was that I've learned that my tolerance has dramatically lowered. I have always been the most patient, polite, understanding person I can be. Suddenly I can't take it if someone isn't as smart as me and we have to keep going over the same topics in class when I already understood it two classes ago. I can't tolerate when people are being unkind or manipulative, when usually I can just brush it off and let them do what they will. I get angrier and angrier, and I've become so much bitchier, pardon the language. I speak my mind so much more and not in a nice way. Acting more troublesome and spiteful when I don't really need to. This isn't me. Who am I?

It's all so out of my element that it scares me. Is this what I'm becoming, or will it pass? I know that personalities go through changes consistently, especially at my age, but...do I have to learn to control this anger and somehow come to terms with this new person? I don't want to. I need to fix this, but I don't know how. How do you fix yourself when you're broken?

Good.

I can't sleep, so naturally I write. Tonight what's keeping me up is the past. But what else is new, right? I think my ipod was to blame for tonight's trip down memory lane, however. Songs from the past came on at work and brought the memories to the surface. Thanks a lot, Apple. Your invention keeps ruining my thought process at work...

On the other hand, this particular dilemma has been on and off my mind for months now. I keep thinking about an ex-friend and the situation that caused the friendship to end. Now there were several reasons behind the ending of the friendship, but this situation was what threw us both over the edge. Naturally, there was a man. If you could see me now, you'd see a laugh turn into a grin and then melt into a frown. Ah, good ol' emotions. So I've been thinking lately about sending a message to this once friend. When I decided to walk away from her, I chose to do so at a point in time where her life was not functioning exactly well. A lot of deaths and a lot of negativity was present in her life and it was starting to suck the happiness out of my life. But despite all that, I still felt incredibly horrible about leaving her. And to this day it still eats at my conscience that I left when I did and the way I did. I didn't really give her completely rational reasoning, and I didn't even explain what happened with the man who got between us. I just got fed up and gave her a mediocre goodbye and left it at that.

For all the bad crap that happened between us, any normal person would have just let it go right then and there and not worried anymore. A normal person would say that they didn't deserve a friend like me. But I'm not really that normal. I have this insatiable need to be a genuinely good person. Not only that, but I pride myself on being a great friend. That's probably why a lot of people have gotten second chances out of me. I always realize where I went wrong and try to make them realize where we BOTH went wrong and see if we can try one more time to do it right. Sometimes it's a great attribute to have. Other times, not so much. I'm not saying I want to give her a third chance, not right now, anyway. But I hate myself for leaving someone who trusted me and included me in the very few people she could talk to. I know how it is to have someone leave you at the worse point in your life. Someone you thought cared and gave so much to. And it would tear me up inside that they could just walk away after that. So naturally, it bothers me that I could do that to someone when I can't stand it being done to me. She deserved a real explanation and, on top of that, an apology.

I really wish I could understand why I am the way I am, that I have to be a good person and always do the right thing (by my standards). I don't know why I find it extremely necessary. I'm not religious so it's not that I want to be a good person so I can get into heaven. And as a matter of fact, I never even expect anything to come from being a good person. It just seems to come naturally. I care a lot. I am generous and helpful. It just makes me happy to be this way. And I guess...if something makes you happy, you shouldn't question it, right?

Illuminate

A while back, laying in bed, I had a thought {that later became a Facebook status}:

I have a bright light in me that is very attractive, but I'm not looking for someone to share my light with. I'm looking for that light that matches mine so we can make an even brighter light, together. Why would I want to dim myself for someone who can't shine on their own?

I have a light in me, this I know. Very very well. I'm always trying to be positive and happy and helpful and constantly wanting others to be happy. I know I've gone on and on a few times about how trying to make people happy has screwed me in life. So I'm not going to do that again. I've learned over time that when I see enough negativity in someone that I don't want around, I will get rid of them immediately. Took me a while to get to this point. Now it's not even a matter of giving out second chances. If I notice you making me more stressed out rather than enjoying your company, you definitely won't last. I might keep someone around long enough until I find the nicest words to say goodbye because I'm not one to just walk up to someone and tell them "You're a horrible person. We can't be friends. So...bye." I can't do it. (Though I certainly think it often enough!) I don't have the heart to do that to someone. Not unless they've wronged me. Then I'll go off on them as much as I want without regret. Is this an evil grin on my face? I guess you'll never know.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to keep people in my life too long lately. A majority of it has to do with time. Working nights and sleeping days and going to school during the evening just before work makes it extremely hard to make time for anyone, let alone myself. I try to see my friends once a month, if that. And always make time for family too. So it's a little bit hard to introduce a new person into my life and have it work right off the bat. It's human nature to feel neglected or rejected if someone doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. And I understand that. So I understand when people get fed up with me for not giving enough attention. I haven't been able to work out my life well enough yet that I can really make as much time even for myself as I'd like. This is why I don't have a dog.

With men, it's even harder. Some just want fun. Others want relationships.
Fun is good, when I can afford it, but lately I can't find the time. I mean, come on. Asking a guy to come over at 4AM when I get off work is pretty much a booty call invitation. And as much as I'd love to just be casual, I can't seem to allow myself. I suppose it's certain trust barriers that hold me back but even those a guy will push. It's hard to explain to them. I'm the type of person where I don't get comfortable with a person just by texting or talking on the phone. I need to hang out a few times before I even begin to get out of my shell. I don't know. Maybe I'm a good girl at heart. Maybe I can't just give myself away to anyone. I like intimacy. I like caring. I like trust. I just don't have the TIME for it.

On the flip side of this argument comes the whole relationship question. Again, my arch-nemesis time. This goes back to the whole issue that my schedule wouldn't work. Would I make it work if I was absolutely head over heels for someone? Absolutely. But how can I get to that point without the time to date? Every time a guy asks me out, I have plans with a friend or dinner with the family or FINALLY some much needed "me time" scheduled. And yes, I am too stubborn to give up "me time" most of the time because I seriously never get enough chances for it. Judge away! Anyway, the fact of the matter is, it wouldn't be fair to someone to be in a relationship. I can't give them the attention they'd need or deserve and that's not fair. If I'm going to be in a relationship, I want my whole self to be there. Not just a part time gig.

Now here comes the twist. I mentioned lights, and shining and illuminating life. I also mentioned making the time if there was someone I was head over heels for. And here comes back the problem in the Facebook status. My light shines brightly. I'm a happy, positive person. I am strong-willed, independent and tough. I see the appeal in myself. Wait, is that too cocky? Yeah, whatever. I'm entitled. =) But yes, light attracts...well, light attracts bugs but I won't compare guys to bugs. The problem is, and I'm going metaphorical now, the guys that are attracted to my life don't seem to have much of a bright light of their own. I've been finding that most of the guys I've been hanging out with lately (not in a friend way, in a potential date way) have those deal-breaking pet peeves. I cannot stand when a guy gets too oversensitive and too insecure. I cannot stand when a guy belittles me and/or belittles himself. These two combined, oh buddy, you've got no chance. Cutthroat? Some would say. Others would say that's nothing. I'll just not comment and leave it to the reader to decide.

So what seems to be the common pattern in my life is that I can't find a guy worth sharing my light and life with, yet. And that's not a big deal. I have plenty of time. But as my quote said, why would I want to dim my light for someone who is stuck in the dark? That's the cliche of a woman wanting to help a bad guy be a good guy or something of the like. But that's very one sided. In my opinion, both parties should want to help each other be better. And I don't particularly want someone stuck in the dark. Pessimism is a turn off for me. I'm an eternal optimist. I will always find a way to go back to the light. I shine too brightly to be consumed by dark. And I'm not sharing my brightness. I'll only share it with someone who has their own light, so we can make each other brighter.

This is not to say that people can't shine bright if they're stuck in the dark. Change is the only constant in this world, and I am fully supportive of that statement. So hey. Maybe they'll finally find their "on" switch and the light will come to them. Maybe dim at first and growing brighter each day. Maybe not. Who knows?

Wright and Rong

I think I'm reaching another point of self discovery. I thought I knew pretty well who I am and what I'm about. I love myself more than anyone else. And I don't think that's selfish. I think it's confident. I think it's necessary. You can't love someone until you love yourself, right? Well hey! I'm ahead of the game then. Digression, as usual. Sorry. But it's the truth. When you are happy with who you are and love yourself, really love yourself, it's so much easier to be a better person.

I had a breakthrough in my personality, recently. In my previous post, I mentioned a dream which I believe is what figuratively (and literally) woke me up. It helped me to reflect on the decisions in my life and my indecisiveness, which the post even before that touched upon. Funny how things tie together neatly, sometimes. I didn't realize until now that I am the one who holds all of the power in my life. No one else. If I think something is wrong, that's up to me. If I think it's right, same thing. And that's the big discovery - my sense of right and wrong has totally be skewed. Until now.

I have always been a good person. (Sounds cocky, I know.) I've always valued little things and tried to be true to my heart. I've helped people in need, and I've always felt that I am happier when I help someone. There is never a time where I don't lend a hand or at least offer to. Doing things for others...I don't know, satisfies me. It's sort of a sense of accomplishment, I guess. I'm very cautious about people's feelings but never by holding back the truth. Honesty is so short lived these days that I have to be honest. I can't hold back. I always try to give money to homeless people on the streets when I'm in the city, if I have it. And almost every year I've given money to charity through theater events. It's not the most I could do but it's something. And I'm always wishing I could do more. Even some of my beliefs were so innocently genuine. I didn't have sex as young as most because I wanted to be in love. I wanted it to be a good experience. I didn't want to just waste it. No, it didn't exactly pan out that way, but still. How many people can say they waited as long as I did because they knew in their heart it was what was right for them? Go ahead, try to find more than a handful. Genuine. I don't remember who said it, someone at work I think. But it stuck to me. I am a good and genuine person.

I think I kind of went away from the whole Right vs Wrong topic. Think Holden Caulfield was as digressive as me? Okay, okay! Anyway... This whole self-actualization process has finally gotten me to see that what is right or wrong for me, isn't right or wrong for someone else. For example, let's go with a popular theme at my job. Everyone and anyone there is messing around with each other. Opportunities have shown themselves to me, but I always decline. Why? I don't think it's right. Is it right for everyone else? Hey, that's their call. Personally, I'd call that "shitting where you eat" (thank you dad...). For the longest time, though, I think I've been living in the mindset that I can't do things because the world says it's wrong. Or, alternatively, something is okay to do if other people are doing it even if I know it's wrong.

When I said I hold the power to my life, this is what I meant. I am the one who decides. And maybe this will help me be more decisive. Maybe it's what I needed to know to make decisions for myself. I know it sounds silly to only realize this, but I am a child at heart and naive is my way of life. Well...mostly. Maybe it's right to do wrong sometimes. Or maybe it's wrong to do right. What I'm trying to say, and I'm sorry it's kind of a confused blur in this post, is that right and wrong is in the eye of the beholder. Don't let anyone hold you back if you think something is right for you. On the other hand, don't do what you know is wrong for you just because someone else thinks it's right. You're the only one who knows what you need and want.

Do something wrong for the sake of being right. Or vice versa. =)

Spiritual Guidance

I had this dream last night, that I wish I could remember more of. I woke up from it wondering if it meant something, and what could possibly have made me dream such a dream.

It was sort of like a spiritual vision quest, if you would. I remember I was walking through this place with a million different ways to choose - not pathways. There were a lot of colors and different people, as if whatever choice I made a person would tell me more about me. And I was being led through this by a spirit guide that wasn't exactly...anything. It was a voice telling me about myself with every different step I took. But if I steered off the path I was supposed to be following, he would get angry and burst in flames telling me to get back onto the path.

I remember there was one point where I was very curious about something and I wanted to explore what would happen if I took that path. What would the consequences be, was it just a curiosity that needed to be sated or was it a path I was truly destined to take? And my spirit guide kept telling me that I couldn't discover that right now. I had to wait and go back to it at the end. I could have a taste and learn a little bit about if I were interested, but to truly find out if it was what I wanted I would have to finish the journey and take a trip back later to learn more. And when I kept trying to push the subject, the guide would engulf himself in flames again and yell at me to be patient.

There was a pregnant woman with blood on her. But it wasn't from a wound or a miscarriage. She wasn't in pain. She just stood there in a long blue dress, waiting, with blood on her. This is where the dream went weird. For some reason I felt compelled to taste the blood. I know, extremely weird and/or gross. I have no explanation.

My guide pulled me along after a taste, to another row. At this point it was clearer that I was walking through aisles of opportunities and life choices. The guide explained I had a very big and heavy heart filled with lots of dreams and only I could fulfill them. It was up to me to follow my path, follow my heart to get what I want. No one else. He told me my heart was my biggest tool and I should use it more often. He told me my heart is the most important part of me and not to forget it.

I woke up just before I got to the end of this journey. It really made me think all night at work about my life. After these past two weeks of feeling melancholy and wanting to be quiet, waking up from this dream seemed to wake me up back to reality. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me not to worry so much and not to fret over every decision and pathway I have to figure out. The dream also made me wonder about my outlook on right and wrong. I've been trying to abide by society's view of what is right. I need to do what's right for me. I need to really start to learn how to decide for myself and not think of what I may or may not miss. I always say to live in the present, but I think my dream woke me up to realize that I have to stop saying it and just do it.

So here's some inspiration for the day: Life is a journey. You choose which direction you're going to go in. If you feel like taking a turn would be right, then do it. If you need to stop and rest or think, or perhaps satisfy your curiosity, go for it. Don't pretend to live your life, and don't let someone else live it for you. Life is wonderful, make every moment and every choice count!

Alter-Ego

I'm a little disappointed in myself, as of late. I've been feeling a lot of negativity towards myself, not physically, which is typical for me, but emotionally. And I'm usually such a happy-go-lucky person. But it's starting to eat at me. I'm starting to realize that certain aspects of my personality are not appealing, mainly to myself. And I want to change them, but I'm not sure exactly how.

Indecisiveness - I have a problem with making decisions. Half the time it's because I generally just don't care. (i.e. food, what to do, where to go, etc.). The other half is being scared. Scared to get out of my comfort zone, try new things, be vulnerable. Of course this half applies to the more social aspects of my life like relationships and such. It's something I'm constantly trying to work on. But I feel like it's gotten a lot more obvious and annoying lately...

Impulsiveness - I've been doing things on impulse a lot more, recently. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Okay, a lot of times it's not. Control. I need to develop control of this, which is kind of...paradoxical because I am a control freak a majority of the time.

Desperation for Approval - This one is the one that bugs me the most. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that is completely 100% unlike me. I loathe this new trait. I don't know why I act this way but it's like a switch turns on and suddenly I'm trying to be funny or smart or attractive because I want to feel loved.

And I guess that's just it, isn't it? I feel love deprived a lot of the time. Not by my family, not all the time. I want people to like me. I do my best to be likeable in every part of my life. I'm funny, I'm helpful, thoughtful, generous and a lot of the time for the wrong people. I'm constantly unappreciated and underestimated. Suddenly kindness is mistaken for stupidity. I want to make friends because I don't have many and I want to feel like I'm not the weird girl in the corner anymore.

All of my life I've always felt different, out of the ordinary, like no one could understand the mechanics of my mind. In school, I was always quiet and never part of a clique or hanging out with friends. I sat at lunch and read books. I went home and wrote until I had to go to sleep. I was a loner. And sometimes I didn't mind it. And sometimes it bothered me. A lot. It bothered my mother, too. She would always ask why I wasn't out with friends. Why I always stayed home.

Maybe it's because I was always the new kid. Moved around 6 or 7 times in my childhood, went to at least as many schools. I was always new, no one knew me. And I felt like no one wanted to know me. No one tried. I was polite to everyone, even those with physical and mental disabilities and THAT made me weird and avoidable. In elementary school, I played with a group of girls every day until one day we played a game. And one girl had us in a line telling us we were all garbage. But when she got to me, she stopped mid-sentence and rephrased to tell me my teeth were garbage. For one thing, I was self-conscious already about my teeth because I knew they were crooked. But what got me was that of all of us, she stopped in front of me just to tell me how much she noticed how bad my teeth looked. I ran away from the group and cried. In middle school, I got made fun of and bullied by the other girls. Rumors were always being spread. They'd said I called this girl a slut or some other girl a bitch when I never said a thing. If they found out I liked a guy, they would ruin any chance by running to tell them. One girl, who claimed to be my friend, lied to me saying there was a stain on my pants, just to embarrass me. A whole class laughed at me when my zipper was down after coming back from the bathroom. Even the teacher. Not a single person told me about it. They all just laughed until I realized it. Sometimes, the girls would tell their parents lies and I would get in trouble and never get to hang out with them again. But by that point, why would I have wanted to? When I started high school, I was told a group of girls wanted to beat me up. For no reason. I lost a best friend because her friends told her lies about me and she believed them. I have never mentioned any of this to anyone, until now. I guess the strength gained from it all finally outweighs the hurt.

Everywhere we moved, I made one friend. That's it. One friend who was my best friend. One friend who always promised to keep in touch when I had to move again, and never did. And I have yet to find one person in my life - a best friend, so to speak - who truly gets me in every way. I'm envious of my sister because she has that. I'm envious of some of my friends who have that. I do have a couple of extremely close friends but not close enough that I am 100% myself with them. I apologize for any of them who happen to be reading this and are hurt by the previous statement. It's not out of resentment. I am truly grateful for everyone in my life. I just feel that I don't have that #2 person in my life (aside from my sister). And I want it. I want so bad to have at least one person.

All my life, my kindness has killed me. Caused me to be trampled on, bullied, deemed stupid or weird. And all I've wanted was a friend. I know wallowing and moping doesn't solve anything. I know that perseverance is the means to success. I know that tomorrow I'll be smiling again. Maybe only on the outside. Or maybe on the inside too. I am strong and I can get through anything. But sometimes, it's okay to stop and think or write it out. Or even cry it out, if necessary. We're all human. Emotions get the better of us from time to time. But it's our reactions that matter. It's what we do, the choices we make, how we move forward that really show our true character.

I invite everyone to emote, and then react. :)

A Resolution of Unrealistic Resolve

As I run across the field of dreams
I never wondered what it means.
To leave behind a world so dead,
and just keep running straight ahead -
Dare to dream instead.
To leave the comfort of my bed,
to leave it all behind,
just to find truth.
Because reality soothes fantasy
And woefully inhibits me.
Escape the dark, back to sleep
Deeply dreaming a dream within a dream
But when you awaken
The dreams are taken, mistaken
So distant but oh so near
Quickly do they disappear
Back to the field, they bloom.
--By Me!

It's a little early to be thinking about resolutions, but as the year ends I've come to one realization. This year has been a complete and total nothing. Everything has been ordinary. Everything stayed the same. The only day of this year that seemed to matter was the day I saw the person who inspires me the most in concert and that would be - you guessed it! - Jason Mraz. It wasn't a fangirl fantasy to be there. It was a dream coming to life. For the first time in my life. And the feeling was indescribable. Fulfilled, inspired, motivated, enlightened, happy. Okay, maybe it is describable...

My sister had a status on facebook a few days ago - I know, how 21st century, people can't just say something without it being online now. I digress. My sister said the other day that 2012 is a year of dreams becoming reality. And I have to agree with her. Since going to the concert, I've had an overwhelming sense of inspiration. I've been writing a lot more and thinking more about things I could write about. I've even bolstered the courage to show a few people my work. And praise was certainly heaped. I've found this motivation inside me that I didn't think I had and now I realize, I want to make something of doing what I love. I want my writing to be heard. I want my writing to be my life.

And so my resolution is this: I will focus more on writing and become more dedicated to it. I will find ways to promote it or publish it, even if those steps aren't achieved in the coming year, I will at least know how.

Dreams are worth the chase. Letting go of them is giving up and saying you're not good enough. And that's not right. You're good enough to get what you want if you try. You're good enough to be in this world. No one can make you think otherwise. Grab your dreams and fulfill them. Don't waste them.

What's your resolution? Or better yet, what's your dream?

A moment of Silence...

There was a moment the other night after work. About 3:45am. As I left my car behind and walked the path to my door, I had to stop and take a breath. I made it to my door but I couldn't put the key in. Not yet. I turned around and looked up but the sky was a dark navy, cloudless, yet no stars shined. The trees stood erect and unmoving, as if waiting for me to go inside so they could sigh in relief, let the air pass through and shudder free of their leaves. Everything was so quiet. The whole town was sleeping and all you could hear was silence.

I read something recently...a different take on meditation: "Meditation doesn’t always mean sitting in repose, with your eyes closed for hours on end. Meditation can be while you walk, surf, cycle, sing, dance, cook, draw, drive, whatever, so long as you aren’t consumed with thoughts about the past or lost in a made-up future." I wondered if this moment counted. I wondered if it mattered if it counted. This was a rare moment where my mind was hushed and I could just simply take in the beauty of the night. It's moments like this where one can truly say to themselves, "I am happy I am alive."

Celebrate the Malleable Reality

I started this blog post a few nights ago. Since then, it's taken a bit of a turn in subject. A little bit ironic, considering the topic. You'll see.

Recently, I've come to realize that my personality has done a complete 180 degree turn on me. It's not so much a complaint, but just an observation that struck me suddenly even though the change happened long before the realization. And, honestly, I kind of like the change. It's still me, but it's a different me; a more outgoing me - something I've been working hard at being. I've come a long way from the shy girl in the corner reading her books and wishing that her life would change just by willing it. Then again, by willing it so, you're already starting towards getting it. Okay, I'm getting confusing. Well...when you want something, the first thing to happen is the idea is formulated. Of course sitting back and just wanting something won't get it for you. You need to become obsessed enough with the idea that you actually do something about it. But as long as that idea is in your head, you're already working toward it, even if you're not doing anything. Yet.

This whole shift in personality is odd, yet, refreshing for me. Finally achieving a change of characteristics that I set in motion years ago. I guess it just surprises me how easily I have embraced it. I'm able to talk to people easier, more confident in myself, more sociable, and have really been able to grasp the nonchalant attitude I've wanted to. I used to always talk more about how I didn't care what people thought of me but, secretly, it did still matter. Lately, however, I really don't care. I don't care if I walk out of the house in slippers. If my jokes aren't funny. If I eat messily sometimes. If someone thinks I'm weird, that's their problem. The only approval a person needs is their own. Chances are, if someone doesn't like something about you, and you do, that person isn't worth your time. Or, their opinion isn't. Not everyone is right about everything. In fact, most of the time, we're all wrong. And that's okay. What I'm getting to is the topic of 'change'.

Some - most - people are afraid of change. Others embrace it. The dictionary's definition of the word 'change' is 1. (verb) - "to make or become different"; 2. (noun) - "the act or instance of making or becoming different". It doesn't say things become better. It doesn't say things become worse. They become different. And that's just it. We all try to see change as either good or bad, and yet, no one really understands that it's not about right or wrong. It's just different. And whether we can adjust or not is up to us.

I remember, years ago, thinking that change was the enemy. But I think that was because it was all so new to me. I got so comfortable with the way things were that when something happened - something big - to stir up my life, I got scared. (Deep down I'm a huge coward. I'm just excellent at faking it.) I got scared that things couldn't go back to the way they used to be. I got scared that things would always be this way. And I was wrong. And I was right. Things are constantly changing, so nothing will ever stay the same. Maybe they can be close to what they were but, it's not quite the same. And something tells me that it never truly is.

Changes can be big or small. Beautiful or terrible. Change is not good or bad. Change is merely DIFFERENT. Everything and everyone will constantly change. Sometimes changes happen without anyone doing anything. Other times you have to be the change...

Do me a favor. Go out and change the world today. I bet you can do it, whether you realize you are or not. In a huge way, or even in the most minute way. Change something you've always wanted to. Whether or not it's for the better or the worse. Do it to make a difference.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
- E. B. White

“Some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.” -John M. Eades.

I think by now, it's pretty evident that I spend an excessive amount of time in my head. Whether I'm thinking about minute details of the day or being tormented with thoughts about life. Things like... Is this helping me get to where I want to be? Or, Can I even get there in time? Sometimes I think about my finances. Sometimes about my family. Or friends. Most of all, I find myself coming back to one single thought on every situation in my life: How am I going to get through this?

The good news is I'm not sitting here trying to figure out if I even AM going to get through things. I'm confident enough to know I can break any barrier, climb out of any hole. But it's the one or two days I spend in pity and wallowing that get to me. All I can do on these days is think and think and think some more. I continuously rack my brain for reasons to mope. Pondering all those 'what ifs' of the previous post. But after those few days pass, I can go back to my cheerful
demeanor since I've gotten all the overthinking and overanalyzing out of the way. But now that I suddenly can't make the thinking go away, I'm a little bit afraid for my emotional well being.

Recently my job banned any type of music from the lab. For most, this wasn't a big deal. For me - horrifying. I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, typing. It's boring. It's tedious. And I'm surrounded by Filipino chatterboxes who don't like to speak English. At all. (This does not make me a racist!) Now, I'm an introvert. Thus, I keep to myself. I don't talk all that much. I enjoy the quiet. My escape from having to listen to the ridiculousness was my Ipod. But that's not the only escape my Ipod gave me. Two weeks into this banishment, I find myself stressed out and emotionally exhausted. Without music to drown out my thoughts, I find myself thinking about anything and everything. And believe it or not, it's tiring to sit and think for eight hours straight.

You'd think for a writer, this could be amazing! All this time to think up new ideas, create characters. And while I'm lucky enough to get those nights every now and then, my head isn't just some la-dee-da fantasy world all the time. Having so much time to think turns out to be a very bad thing for me. My brain will decide...'Let's think about the past today! Remember when you were happy? Remember you were miserable? Remember when you were a kid and didn't have to worry about anything??' And then...'Let's think about the future today! Your goals are so far away, still. Your dream won't come true, you discovered it too late. What about love? Marriage? Kids? What if your future isn't what you want it to be? Then what will you do?' A lot of times I get the...'Time to think about today! What are you going to get done? You have a huge list of things to do. What are you going to eat? When are you going to sleep? Will you write today?' So on and so forth...

Some nights are spent thinking about things other than my own life. I wonder about my family a lot. Is my mother going to be okay? Will my sister's happiness last? I hope it will. How are my brothers going to turn out? They're so young still and on the brink of becoming actual people. Will my dad really be disappointed if I don't live up to his expectations? Will he ever get a break in his own life, for a change? I hope my grandmother's okay. When will my cousin prove everyone wrong?

Other nights, friendships are the main focus. Will our friendship ever be the way it was before? Is it worth it to hold on? Is she seriously considering doing that? If I try to talk her out of it, would I be hurting her? Does he realize that ever since she came back into his life he's tuned me out? Is he really judging me that harshly because of one stupid mistake? I thought he was my friend? I hope she gets to do what she wanted to. I hope this job works out for him. I can't wait to see her again. When am I seeing them again!?

My head is so overstuffed with thoughts and emotions and I have no idea how to let them out or force them away. It's bad enough that I have issues getting to sleep because I can't turn my mind off. But now it's on for 8 hours more at work. I know, this sounds dramatic and insignificant. But I thought writing it out could possibly help. Writing things out is a coping method of mine, and you, the lucky readers, are just here for the disastrous ride. Haha. =)

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."
~Bertrand Russell

Rejoice Regrets

Life is short and all about taking risks. Big risks, little risks. How do we know which risks are the right risks to take? Well that's just it, isn't it. You can't really tell what's going to be worth going for until after you try. Or, alternatively, after you don't. And, of course, when you pass something up, all you can do is sit and wonder... What if?

People always ask me if there was one thing in my life I could change, what would it be? What is my biggest regret? Now, it's perfectly normal to have regrets. And I don't deny having a few. I regret my choice of living and school straight out of high school. I regret making friends with bad people. I regret losing good friends. I regret fooling around with a few guys. I regret NOT fooling around with one guy. I regret not letting him kiss me when he tried. I regret not speaking my mind until it was too late. I regret not telling my mother the truth until now. I regret not spending enough time with my family. I regret spending money on petty materialistic items. I regret not taking care of myself. I regret all of the bad habits I have that I refuse to break.

Rereading through that, I didn't realize how many I had. But the main thing is, I don't choose to live by them. Having regrets and living in regret are two completely different things. It's okay to have regrets. It's only human. To wish we could change bad things we'd done or bad choices we've made is not uncommon. The goal in life is to do exactly what you want to do to be happy. Or at least, that's my personal point of view. I figure happiness is the only thing REALLY worth working toward. And that can be achieved in several ways. Love, Job, Money, Friends, Family, etc. Whatever makes you happy. Living in regret, however, will not bring happiness.

When I see people constantly feeling sorry for themselves and wishing life was different and wanting to change all the bad they'd done, I don't really feel much sympathy or pity. A little, just because it's sad that they've managed to make their life that way. And I don't want to hear that bad things could happen that weren't their fault. Yes, that's oh so entirely true. Bad things happen to everyone that are out of their control. BUT! It's your choice if you want to dwell upon it longer than necessary. Be mad, be sad, but don't live that way.

I believe that everyone has the strength to overcome anything if they just try. If they just believe. It's their own fault if they want to sit alone and mope and consume drugs or alcohol or play with sharp objects. No one HAS to do that. No one is forced. That's your coping method? Find a new one. Surround yourself with people who want to help you. Surround your self with positivity and life will be better. Being caught in a mass of negativity will just make things more negative.

So. What is my biggest regret? What's the one life-changing event I wish I could take back? There isn't one. I embrace my regrets after wallowing in them for a day or two. Because I love where and who I am now in my life. Regrets are what shape us as individuals. When you make a bad choice, you can learn from it. It shows your strengths and weaknesses and it shows you are human. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. And without everything that has happened to me I wouldn't be where and who I am. I'm strong, I'm independent, and I'm always optimistic and generally happy. I love everything I have and everyone in my life. And I wish that everyone else could feel like this about themselves. When you reach a point in life where you know who you are and you like it and you don't care about anyone or anything else, it's pretty neat.

Never regret anything. Because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

Leap and the net will appear...

"Moving on" and "Letting Go".

Why is that these two phrases can be the hardest thing for most people to do? I mean really do. You can easily say that you've moved on from something or let something go but secretly you know that's not the truth. Generally it seems these two phrases only apply to the experiences that have hurt us or impacted us in some big way. A broken friendship, a break up, a death. When have you ever heard someone say let go of the good times? Move on from your happy moment already? Happiness and good times are so few and far between that we hold onto them so tightly. But, then, we hold on even tighter to the bad times. Why do we do that? It doesn't help the hurt to go away. It doesn't make us a better or stronger person. We're stronger when we can say it's over and actually mean it.

In my life, I've struggled over and over and over again with letting go. And to this day, I still have issues with it. I had to let go of friends constantly, growing up. Moving from place to place for seven consecutive years will do that to you. I guess that's why it's not as hard in the friend department anymore. (Although for a while I was bitter after the loss of a best friend of eight years. But that was more or less because of the lack of closure.) Because of controversy with her husband, I had to learn to let go of my mother for a while, which was probably the hardest thing for me to do. It broke my heart not to have my mother in my life. Luckily, I can say things are exceedingly better now, but that's a story for a different day.

The most recent thing - and I'm ashamed of it a little because it's been over a year now - that I've had to work at letting go of was a guy. I know, I know. Groan that it's so cliche of me. I'll agree! For all the drama of falling for him and thinking I stood a chance only to be let down, it really wasn't the fact that I loved him that ate at me. Sure that was a factor for a while but that went away fairly quickly. It was because he wasn't just some guy I fell for, he was one of my best friends. I think the bitterness stuck with me so long not because of how I felt about him but because after the way things were left off - you know the whole "lets just stay friends and not ruin the friendship" shebang - everything just kind of...stopped. I barely heard from him. And that hurt more than the rejection. Here I had this person who was one of my best friends who I could always talk to and could always make me feel better. And suddenly it disappeared.

When I decided finally to write it all out, it was a longer process than I anticipated. As part of it I decided to go through our online conversations. (And before you start to judge and call me crazy!! I did not save them. If you now the instant messaging program Skype, you know that it saves conversations automatically.) I realized while reading that I was laughing and smiling at it all. I was reliving the good times and forgetting about the bad. And it was great! It wasn't hurting. I didn't feel that usual pang in my heart. And that's when it hit me. Something in my head clicked and I knew that I was finally over it. And not just telling myself I was over it. Legitimately. No more talking myself into denial. The whole situation. No more lying to everyone, lying to myself. I was done wallowing and wishing and wondering what I'd done wrong. It didn't matter anymore. What's done was done and I didn't care. It felt like the biggest breath of fresh air after being under water for the longest time. And it felt AMAZING.

I confuse myself sometimes. I cannot for the life of me hold a grudge and yet I still maintain "letting go issues". I guess the whole point of this ramble of my woes was to just let anyone who's reading who has the same issues know that they're not alone. We all go through the cycle. Living in denial is one way, but it feels so much better to face that denial and give it a good sucker punch to the face. Because you're stronger than you think. When you finally do stand up and let go, it feels amazing. And you can move on to bigger, better, happier, greener pastures. Happiness is worth holding onto. Sadness and anger aren't. They're a waste of time and energy. Don't let the bad memories consume. Instead, let life consume you. Smile daily. Laugh as much as you can. I promise you it's worth it.

Thinking about Robert Frost..

I want you to take a moment, right now, to stop and think about where you are in your life. What room? What city or town? What state? What country even? What job are you currently working? What relationship are you in? What mindset? Now, after all that, I want you to ask yourself one question:
Did you ever think you would be exactly where you are now in your life?

Now that you're thinking about all of that, don't start thinking about what you wish you could change or what you could have done differently. Think about now. Think about what you still can do to make a difference in your life. Or maybe someone else's. What can you do to make your life better than it is now? Don't tell me your life is grand and there's nothing more you could possibly ask for. Life is a mass of opportunities waiting to be taken advantage of. Even if it's the most minuscule thing. Instead of wistfully thinking about it, do it. Time is precious and shouldn't be wasted.

Too few people realize that everything they've ever wanted is at their fingertips, if only they would grab it. When you really want something, nothing else should matter. You should do everything you can to obtain it. Money or distance are merely excuses for those who are too lazy to make an effort. Every obstacle can be overcome if you have the will to do so. Everyone in this world is looking for the easier way. The easier way to get what they want, or the easier way out of a bad situation. The more you look for it, the less you'll find. Aspirations take time and effort and more than a little elbow grease. They take passion, and heart and tons of struggling. Even a bit of failure is common along the way. You can't succeed without finding out what not to do first. This is why mistakes shouldn't be frowned upon.

A mistake is always a good thing because you have the chance to learn from them. You know for the next time how to right your wrongs. You know what you need to do better or differently. And I, for one, always enjoy a learning experience. No matter how much pain I have to go through, I know that in the end it will all be worth something. It's always toward a bigger and better goal. If at first you don't succeed, try again. And again. And again. Never give up. Giving up means you don't care. Giving up means it never mattered.

I think it's regrettable how many people aren't willing to do what it takes anymore. Everyone is either afraid of failing or getting hurt. And while I admit I am still working out how to not be afraid of getting hurt, I know that not trying won't do me any good. So go out. Try something new. Reach towards your goal. And when you're faced with that fork in the road, take the path with the bumps in it. Put everything you've got into what you want and don't give up when the going gets tough. Keep going!


I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken"

Free from the Bonds of Friendship

My best friends are the fictional characters I've created for every unfinished story I have written. But I haven't been spending enough time with them lately. As a result, not a single one of them is speaking to me. It's because they know I've abandoned them before, and I might even do it again, given the chance. But maybe if I can force myself to put aside time for them again they'll forgive me? That sounds too easy...
I ended a legitimate friendship this week. I'd been wanting to do it for a long time, but couldn't find the words to do it. I'm not a person of hatred or cruelty and I just wanted there to be peace between us at the end of the day. I didn't expect to feel any guilt though. I guess because she is a troubled individual it makes things a little harder.

I've been friends with her once before, but we had a falling out. Sort of. Actually, I guess what really happened is she tired of me and didn't exactly let me know that. So when I found myself in a bad place and needed her to be a friend to me, I was ignored. Eventually I found the inner strength I needed and moved on. Two years later, I receive a message from her with an apology and an explanation as to how she is trying to right the wrongs of her life. Of course I wanted to give her a second chance. And of course, because I went against my gut instincts, it turned out to be the wrong decision.

The second time around we were finally honest with each other. About everything. I learned more about her than I ever had two years prior. But I couldn't seem to let myself open up to her as much as she had. I was still a little bitter from the past, I suppose. I know. I'm not proud. I did give it my best shot, being friends with her. We hung out several times and I tried to be myself. Really really tried. But what I came to learn is that we were in two very different places. While we both may have changed and grown up a little, I felt like I was in a more positive state in life than she was. Whereas I grew and learned to be happier, she seemed to be in a darker place but putting on a false bravado for everyone. But things weren't going well for her either. In the span of 3 months she lost an uncle, a dog, and pet guinea pig. As a good friend should, I offered myself if she ever needed. She turned to other...substances...as a shoulder to cry on. And while I can't exactly judge because I have partaken a few times, investing so much of yourself into something so bad for you is never a good way to go, in my opinion. She made it so evident that there was nothing I could do to stop her from destroying herself. And I'm no good at situations where I can't help out. If I can't help, I can't help. No use crying over it. When people don't want my help and start to act aggressive, it's in my nature to just walk away and let them be. What else can I do?

So that's what I did. I told her in the nicest words possible that her negativity was not something I wanted to be apart of. And while I wish her luck and hope that things work out for her, I can't be there for someone who won't accept it. I can't sit and listen day after to day to someone who "wants to be shot". To someone who would rather drown their sorrows in a bottle of alcohol or drugs. It brings me down and stresses me out. And that's something I really can't afford in my life when I already have so much of my own. However, there so much more to the story here than I care to elaborate on. For instance, something about a man who got between us, ever so slightly, might have just added insult to injury. But I digress.


I've been abandoned by friends before. It's not a great feeling. But I grew from it. I got stronger and more independent and I am more self-reliant than I ever thought I could be. Maybe some people can't find the strength they need. Or maybe it just takes some people longer. Maybe it's selfish of me. Does this make me a bad person? Abandoning a friend who clearly needs more help than she's willing to accept?

My head is a decidedly dangerous place to hide.

My fingertips are buzzing with energy, waiting for something amazing to flow out and onto the screen. Whether or not the words that follow are truly amazing is all pretty relative. But I'm hopeful, as always.

I'm feeling extremely inspired and motivated. While my body argues that sleep is what I really want, my mind tells me that I have to write out this feeling before it's lost and wasted on a dream. Not that dreams are a waste. But once you wake up, the world you were just in for 8 hours - is that a stretch? - instantly dissipates. They're curious things, dreams. I always remember the last lingering moment of mine before I wake up. (And recently, they have all been bizarre.) Supposedly dreams are manifestations of our subconscious. At least, that's one theory. I've always been intrigued by my dreams. A small part of me enjoys searching for the meaning inside them and seeing how they apply to reality. However, I'm not so naive as to think they are literal and meant to live by.

And then there are the other form of dreams which are not to live by, but to live for. A dream, a hope, of what you want life to be. Dream of a family, a love, a career, a home... Whatever the case may be, dream on and don't let go.

I think one thing I've come to realize lately is that I am a very positive person. Okay, maybe it's not really a shocking realization. I've always known who I am. But I suppose the real discovery is that I was keeping company with a lot of negativity and didn't realize it. I let go of some of the negativity from myself. I let go of the negative people who were in my life. I think the light inside me shines so brightly that I can't tolerate a lot of darkness. True, no one in the world goes without a little darkness inside their soul. And sadly, a lot of people live too deep in the darkness. But for me, if I can rid myself of the negatives, I will. I've come to find that I'm happier being just that - happy. When there is no drama in my life, it's easier to breathe. I get more done, feel better about myself. And that in turn makes me want to help others be happy too.

Maybe I had gravitated towards those with negative attributes because I want to help them? If there's one thing I'm sure of about myself, it's that I am a fantastic friend. I'm good at motivating and cheering up. I'm good at listening and being there when needed. It feels pretty natural to me to want to help people out. To want to be polite. Unfortunately it's also a downfall. Not many people have manners these days, nor do they have respect. The so-called "golden rule" to treat others as you'd want to be treated doesn't exist anymore.

On the other hand - or maybe foot, since this might be completely digressive - my moods seem to swing as low as they get high. Today I spent my shift at work contemplating my loneliness and emotions, and my upcoming birthday. [Mistake of the day: forgetting to bring my IPod to work to drown out all the thoughts in my head.] It's not that I mind being alone. I rather enjoy it, actually. I learned at an early age to be self-sufficient and independent. I never had many friends and enjoyed my own company. But some nights laying in bed alone isn't enough. My lack of experience holds me back from getting close to anyone. Existing trust issues are just strengthened when I don't know who to trust. Is he really interested in me and who I am or am I just something to conquer and tell his friends about? Yes, this can be a question for ANY woman with ANY amount of experience at ANY time of their life. But it just seems like it has more weight in my situation, given the circumstances. I know I can't really dwell but when you're sitting in front of a computer constantly typing for eight hours straight with no music to ease your mind, you think about these things.

As with every entry I post, I, myself, always see the words as redundant. But maybe you, the reader, see something I don't. Call it insecurity or my being my own worst critic. *shrug*
Going back to earlier musings, I encourage everyone to live like Steven Tyler and 'dream on'. ;)

I'm All About Them Words

I haven't written in a while. I've lacked motivation and inspiration. Not to mention time. Work has luckily kept me busy which is great for my head. Keeps me from having to worry about other things.

I wish I had the motivation to write more often. Or at least something worth saying every once in a while so I'd have an excuse to write. Everything in my mind lately just sounds so juvenile and naive and I'm almost embarrassed to let anyone else in on it. Whenever I try to write it comes back in full circle as basically what I feel and what I feel is constantly the same. I have no insightful words of wisdom. I have no dramatic life stories. I have my emotions and they get me nowhere. And see, even now as I reread what I just wrote, it sounds pointless. Who, but me, would care about how I feel?

I adore words but I am not a person of many of them. What I mainly write in my spare time outside of this blog is about people. About people, and life, and different situations they are put in. I write what they say, what they think, how they feel. I focus on the people and not the imagery around them. I can't be poetic whenever I want to. It just slips out when it feels like it. No, it's not a bad thing. But when I read other writing - writing that is full of such beautifully descriptive words, I envy it. I want to be able to write breathtaking settings - a passionate sunset, a powdery snowfall, the roaring waves of the ocean. But not only do I want to write them, I want to be able to incorporate them.

Going back to feelings, how is this entry supposed to be interesting to someone other than me? More importantly, do I really care? I guess not.

To know that I know that you know now...

I don't know - my catch-phrase as of late. I don't know what to do, what to feel, how to feel, why I am like this. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I'm confused and scattered and my heart and my head are fighting like siblings unable to come to any sort of agreement. One has to be right, but where is the mediator? Too many questions, too many thoughts, too many feelings. Too much and yet, too little. I don't know.

I don't know. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that you can do no wrong? Do you want me to tell you I'll be okay and you don't have to worry? Do you want me to tell you it's me and not you? No. It takes two to tango and this dancer has two left feet.

Do I follow my heart and ignore the warnings of my head?

Do I follow my head and pass up probably the best opportunity that has yet to come?

And yet, again, it takes two to tango. So I am in a disastrous state of mind and I am not even thinking about the other half of this situation.

Then there is the other issue at hand to which I have no insight for. I have no control over what may or may not happen, and frankly? Ha. Frankly I just don't give a shit. Whatever is going to happen will happen, and I will play my part as best as I see fit. But...I don't know. How am I supposed to prepare for the unpredictable? What is waiting for me at the other end of the tunnel? A light? Likely not. Will things change? For the better or the worse?

I don't know. And I'm scared.

Prisonbreak

Prisonbreak

Angelic Eyes take a wrong turn on the path of life

Seeing what they shouldn't see

Seeing what they don't want to see.

Innocent Eyes which had no business wandering

In search of the lifeless Hope.

For Hope - she has disappeared into the Abyss

When he trapped her with his tempting swirls of deceit.

These poor Eyes that saw everything all at once

Now bear no resemblance to the purity they once had,

Corrupted by visions of Hope letting herself be blindly engulfed by 

The Abyss, who laughs maliciously at the Eyes.

These Eyes see no more happiness, no more love.

They see pain, heartbreak, tears.

They are traumatized - vulnerable to the Abyss's allure.

And the Abyss tries to tempt the Eyes.

-- Beautiful Eyes that lost their luster --

And the Eyes fall prey.

They feel themselves forced closed into an everlasting darkness.

All because of the Abyss.

No.

All because Hope wandered off in search of her own happiness - 

Ignoring the calls of those who really needed her.

Hope is too weak to break the bonds of the Abyss,

But the eyes of an angel are stronger.

Before darkness could consume them entirely, the eyes open!

Free!

Forever tainted by hope.

And never fully happy.

But at least they can see...

Old Habits Die Hard.

**Found this from months and months ago. Thought I'd repost since it's still pretty much how I feel. **

Friday, May 16, 2008: 

I know that I can really read into things too deeply. And I know I stress over the littlest things. And many a people know that. And I am positive they know who they are, and are chuckling at this paragraph already. 

I'm a paranoid person, with too many insecurities - though I try to keep that all hidden. And yeah, I like to think I do a good job of it. 

But sometimes, the littlest things are all you HAVE to stress over. I think I'm happy enough that I don't stress over the big things. They don't bother me because, well, what's the point? Who cares if someone thinks you look ugly? Who cares if he's talking behind your back, or she's only pretending to be your friend? Who cares if other people think you look like a fool for defending yourself? Who cares if you want to be different? 

So yeah. I get bothered by the little things. Things like...when people are messy, when people are dumb, when people don't appreciate all the luxuries they've got, when people don't appreciate the luxuries of LIFE, when people don't understand what work ethic is, when lazy people complain, when people are mean, when people are pretentious, when people who don't know how to read graduate high school, when people who are skinny think they are fat, when people who are fat complain about being fat and continue to take a huge bite of that Big Mac (seriously, shut up. you like food. the end), when people say they'll kill themselves because they're "depressed", when people who are depressed try to "kill themselves", when people feel a need to look good because it's the only way they feel good, when beautiful people think they look like shit, when people pity themselves, when people pity others, when people stress the tiniest things ever - yeah, I know I'm a contradiction. 

What is the common factor here? PEOPLE. 

People are bitter, selfish, greedy, and unappreciative. 
People are the problem. 
People need to stop caring about other people, and what they think and do! 

It's why people are so terrible. People care too much. And terrible as it may sound, people need to stop caring. Life is so much easier that way. As a person who has stopped caring what people think, living HER life to its fullest, and not taking anyone's shit anymore, life just tastes that much sweeter. 

And if there was one thing I wish that everyone in the world could learn it is this:

BE HONEST. STOP LYING. DON'T OMIT. SPEAK UP. SAY WHAT YOU FEEL. 
Stop acting like people (your friends, for instance) are too scary to stand up to or confide in. Stop keeping things bottled up when someone OFFERS an ear! They obviously want to help, so why not let them? What is the worst that could happen? Stop acting like no one could possibly understand you and that the world is out to get you. Because it's not. Grow up and just stop it all.