My best friends are the fictional characters I've created for every unfinished story I have written. But I haven't been spending enough time with them lately. As a result, not a single one of them is speaking to me. It's because they know I've abandoned them before, and I might even do it again, given the chance. But maybe if I can force myself to put aside time for them again they'll forgive me? That sounds too easy...
I ended a legitimate friendship this week. I'd been wanting to do it for a long time, but couldn't find the words to do it. I'm not a person of hatred or cruelty and I just wanted there to be peace between us at the end of the day. I didn't expect to feel any guilt though. I guess because she is a troubled individual it makes things a little harder.
I've been friends with her once before, but we had a falling out. Sort of. Actually, I guess what really happened is she tired of me and didn't exactly let me know that. So when I found myself in a bad place and needed her to be a friend to me, I was ignored. Eventually I found the inner strength I needed and moved on. Two years later, I receive a message from her with an apology and an explanation as to how she is trying to right the wrongs of her life. Of course I wanted to give her a second chance. And of course, because I went against my gut instincts, it turned out to be the wrong decision.
The second time around we were finally honest with each other. About everything. I learned more about her than I ever had two years prior. But I couldn't seem to let myself open up to her as much as she had. I was still a little bitter from the past, I suppose. I know. I'm not proud. I did give it my best shot, being friends with her. We hung out several times and I tried to be myself. Really really tried. But what I came to learn is that we were in two very different places. While we both may have changed and grown up a little, I felt like I was in a more positive state in life than she was. Whereas I grew and learned to be happier, she seemed to be in a darker place but putting on a false bravado for everyone. But things weren't going well for her either. In the span of 3 months she lost an uncle, a dog, and pet guinea pig. As a good friend should, I offered myself if she ever needed. She turned to other...substances...as a shoulder to cry on. And while I can't exactly judge because I have partaken a few times, investing so much of yourself into something so bad for you is never a good way to go, in my opinion. She made it so evident that there was nothing I could do to stop her from destroying herself. And I'm no good at situations where I can't help out. If I can't help, I can't help. No use crying over it. When people don't want my help and start to act aggressive, it's in my nature to just walk away and let them be. What else can I do?
So that's what I did. I told her in the nicest words possible that her negativity was not something I wanted to be apart of. And while I wish her luck and hope that things work out for her, I can't be there for someone who won't accept it. I can't sit and listen day after to day to someone who "wants to be shot". To someone who would rather drown their sorrows in a bottle of alcohol or drugs. It brings me down and stresses me out. And that's something I really can't afford in my life when I already have so much of my own. However, there so much more to the story here than I care to elaborate on. For instance, something about a man who got between us, ever so slightly, might have just added insult to injury. But I digress.
I've been abandoned by friends before. It's not a great feeling. But I grew from it. I got stronger and more independent and I am more self-reliant than I ever thought I could be. Maybe some people can't find the strength they need. Or maybe it just takes some people longer. Maybe it's selfish of me. Does this make me a bad person? Abandoning a friend who clearly needs more help than she's willing to accept?
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