Alter-Ego

I'm a little disappointed in myself, as of late. I've been feeling a lot of negativity towards myself, not physically, which is typical for me, but emotionally. And I'm usually such a happy-go-lucky person. But it's starting to eat at me. I'm starting to realize that certain aspects of my personality are not appealing, mainly to myself. And I want to change them, but I'm not sure exactly how.

Indecisiveness - I have a problem with making decisions. Half the time it's because I generally just don't care. (i.e. food, what to do, where to go, etc.). The other half is being scared. Scared to get out of my comfort zone, try new things, be vulnerable. Of course this half applies to the more social aspects of my life like relationships and such. It's something I'm constantly trying to work on. But I feel like it's gotten a lot more obvious and annoying lately...

Impulsiveness - I've been doing things on impulse a lot more, recently. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Okay, a lot of times it's not. Control. I need to develop control of this, which is kind of...paradoxical because I am a control freak a majority of the time.

Desperation for Approval - This one is the one that bugs me the most. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that is completely 100% unlike me. I loathe this new trait. I don't know why I act this way but it's like a switch turns on and suddenly I'm trying to be funny or smart or attractive because I want to feel loved.

And I guess that's just it, isn't it? I feel love deprived a lot of the time. Not by my family, not all the time. I want people to like me. I do my best to be likeable in every part of my life. I'm funny, I'm helpful, thoughtful, generous and a lot of the time for the wrong people. I'm constantly unappreciated and underestimated. Suddenly kindness is mistaken for stupidity. I want to make friends because I don't have many and I want to feel like I'm not the weird girl in the corner anymore.

All of my life I've always felt different, out of the ordinary, like no one could understand the mechanics of my mind. In school, I was always quiet and never part of a clique or hanging out with friends. I sat at lunch and read books. I went home and wrote until I had to go to sleep. I was a loner. And sometimes I didn't mind it. And sometimes it bothered me. A lot. It bothered my mother, too. She would always ask why I wasn't out with friends. Why I always stayed home.

Maybe it's because I was always the new kid. Moved around 6 or 7 times in my childhood, went to at least as many schools. I was always new, no one knew me. And I felt like no one wanted to know me. No one tried. I was polite to everyone, even those with physical and mental disabilities and THAT made me weird and avoidable. In elementary school, I played with a group of girls every day until one day we played a game. And one girl had us in a line telling us we were all garbage. But when she got to me, she stopped mid-sentence and rephrased to tell me my teeth were garbage. For one thing, I was self-conscious already about my teeth because I knew they were crooked. But what got me was that of all of us, she stopped in front of me just to tell me how much she noticed how bad my teeth looked. I ran away from the group and cried. In middle school, I got made fun of and bullied by the other girls. Rumors were always being spread. They'd said I called this girl a slut or some other girl a bitch when I never said a thing. If they found out I liked a guy, they would ruin any chance by running to tell them. One girl, who claimed to be my friend, lied to me saying there was a stain on my pants, just to embarrass me. A whole class laughed at me when my zipper was down after coming back from the bathroom. Even the teacher. Not a single person told me about it. They all just laughed until I realized it. Sometimes, the girls would tell their parents lies and I would get in trouble and never get to hang out with them again. But by that point, why would I have wanted to? When I started high school, I was told a group of girls wanted to beat me up. For no reason. I lost a best friend because her friends told her lies about me and she believed them. I have never mentioned any of this to anyone, until now. I guess the strength gained from it all finally outweighs the hurt.

Everywhere we moved, I made one friend. That's it. One friend who was my best friend. One friend who always promised to keep in touch when I had to move again, and never did. And I have yet to find one person in my life - a best friend, so to speak - who truly gets me in every way. I'm envious of my sister because she has that. I'm envious of some of my friends who have that. I do have a couple of extremely close friends but not close enough that I am 100% myself with them. I apologize for any of them who happen to be reading this and are hurt by the previous statement. It's not out of resentment. I am truly grateful for everyone in my life. I just feel that I don't have that #2 person in my life (aside from my sister). And I want it. I want so bad to have at least one person.

All my life, my kindness has killed me. Caused me to be trampled on, bullied, deemed stupid or weird. And all I've wanted was a friend. I know wallowing and moping doesn't solve anything. I know that perseverance is the means to success. I know that tomorrow I'll be smiling again. Maybe only on the outside. Or maybe on the inside too. I am strong and I can get through anything. But sometimes, it's okay to stop and think or write it out. Or even cry it out, if necessary. We're all human. Emotions get the better of us from time to time. But it's our reactions that matter. It's what we do, the choices we make, how we move forward that really show our true character.

I invite everyone to emote, and then react. :)

A Resolution of Unrealistic Resolve

As I run across the field of dreams
I never wondered what it means.
To leave behind a world so dead,
and just keep running straight ahead -
Dare to dream instead.
To leave the comfort of my bed,
to leave it all behind,
just to find truth.
Because reality soothes fantasy
And woefully inhibits me.
Escape the dark, back to sleep
Deeply dreaming a dream within a dream
But when you awaken
The dreams are taken, mistaken
So distant but oh so near
Quickly do they disappear
Back to the field, they bloom.
--By Me!

It's a little early to be thinking about resolutions, but as the year ends I've come to one realization. This year has been a complete and total nothing. Everything has been ordinary. Everything stayed the same. The only day of this year that seemed to matter was the day I saw the person who inspires me the most in concert and that would be - you guessed it! - Jason Mraz. It wasn't a fangirl fantasy to be there. It was a dream coming to life. For the first time in my life. And the feeling was indescribable. Fulfilled, inspired, motivated, enlightened, happy. Okay, maybe it is describable...

My sister had a status on facebook a few days ago - I know, how 21st century, people can't just say something without it being online now. I digress. My sister said the other day that 2012 is a year of dreams becoming reality. And I have to agree with her. Since going to the concert, I've had an overwhelming sense of inspiration. I've been writing a lot more and thinking more about things I could write about. I've even bolstered the courage to show a few people my work. And praise was certainly heaped. I've found this motivation inside me that I didn't think I had and now I realize, I want to make something of doing what I love. I want my writing to be heard. I want my writing to be my life.

And so my resolution is this: I will focus more on writing and become more dedicated to it. I will find ways to promote it or publish it, even if those steps aren't achieved in the coming year, I will at least know how.

Dreams are worth the chase. Letting go of them is giving up and saying you're not good enough. And that's not right. You're good enough to get what you want if you try. You're good enough to be in this world. No one can make you think otherwise. Grab your dreams and fulfill them. Don't waste them.

What's your resolution? Or better yet, what's your dream?

A moment of Silence...

There was a moment the other night after work. About 3:45am. As I left my car behind and walked the path to my door, I had to stop and take a breath. I made it to my door but I couldn't put the key in. Not yet. I turned around and looked up but the sky was a dark navy, cloudless, yet no stars shined. The trees stood erect and unmoving, as if waiting for me to go inside so they could sigh in relief, let the air pass through and shudder free of their leaves. Everything was so quiet. The whole town was sleeping and all you could hear was silence.

I read something recently...a different take on meditation: "Meditation doesn’t always mean sitting in repose, with your eyes closed for hours on end. Meditation can be while you walk, surf, cycle, sing, dance, cook, draw, drive, whatever, so long as you aren’t consumed with thoughts about the past or lost in a made-up future." I wondered if this moment counted. I wondered if it mattered if it counted. This was a rare moment where my mind was hushed and I could just simply take in the beauty of the night. It's moments like this where one can truly say to themselves, "I am happy I am alive."

Celebrate the Malleable Reality

I started this blog post a few nights ago. Since then, it's taken a bit of a turn in subject. A little bit ironic, considering the topic. You'll see.

Recently, I've come to realize that my personality has done a complete 180 degree turn on me. It's not so much a complaint, but just an observation that struck me suddenly even though the change happened long before the realization. And, honestly, I kind of like the change. It's still me, but it's a different me; a more outgoing me - something I've been working hard at being. I've come a long way from the shy girl in the corner reading her books and wishing that her life would change just by willing it. Then again, by willing it so, you're already starting towards getting it. Okay, I'm getting confusing. Well...when you want something, the first thing to happen is the idea is formulated. Of course sitting back and just wanting something won't get it for you. You need to become obsessed enough with the idea that you actually do something about it. But as long as that idea is in your head, you're already working toward it, even if you're not doing anything. Yet.

This whole shift in personality is odd, yet, refreshing for me. Finally achieving a change of characteristics that I set in motion years ago. I guess it just surprises me how easily I have embraced it. I'm able to talk to people easier, more confident in myself, more sociable, and have really been able to grasp the nonchalant attitude I've wanted to. I used to always talk more about how I didn't care what people thought of me but, secretly, it did still matter. Lately, however, I really don't care. I don't care if I walk out of the house in slippers. If my jokes aren't funny. If I eat messily sometimes. If someone thinks I'm weird, that's their problem. The only approval a person needs is their own. Chances are, if someone doesn't like something about you, and you do, that person isn't worth your time. Or, their opinion isn't. Not everyone is right about everything. In fact, most of the time, we're all wrong. And that's okay. What I'm getting to is the topic of 'change'.

Some - most - people are afraid of change. Others embrace it. The dictionary's definition of the word 'change' is 1. (verb) - "to make or become different"; 2. (noun) - "the act or instance of making or becoming different". It doesn't say things become better. It doesn't say things become worse. They become different. And that's just it. We all try to see change as either good or bad, and yet, no one really understands that it's not about right or wrong. It's just different. And whether we can adjust or not is up to us.

I remember, years ago, thinking that change was the enemy. But I think that was because it was all so new to me. I got so comfortable with the way things were that when something happened - something big - to stir up my life, I got scared. (Deep down I'm a huge coward. I'm just excellent at faking it.) I got scared that things couldn't go back to the way they used to be. I got scared that things would always be this way. And I was wrong. And I was right. Things are constantly changing, so nothing will ever stay the same. Maybe they can be close to what they were but, it's not quite the same. And something tells me that it never truly is.

Changes can be big or small. Beautiful or terrible. Change is not good or bad. Change is merely DIFFERENT. Everything and everyone will constantly change. Sometimes changes happen without anyone doing anything. Other times you have to be the change...

Do me a favor. Go out and change the world today. I bet you can do it, whether you realize you are or not. In a huge way, or even in the most minute way. Change something you've always wanted to. Whether or not it's for the better or the worse. Do it to make a difference.

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day."
- E. B. White

“Some days I practice positive thinking, and other days I'm not positive I am thinking.” -John M. Eades.

I think by now, it's pretty evident that I spend an excessive amount of time in my head. Whether I'm thinking about minute details of the day or being tormented with thoughts about life. Things like... Is this helping me get to where I want to be? Or, Can I even get there in time? Sometimes I think about my finances. Sometimes about my family. Or friends. Most of all, I find myself coming back to one single thought on every situation in my life: How am I going to get through this?

The good news is I'm not sitting here trying to figure out if I even AM going to get through things. I'm confident enough to know I can break any barrier, climb out of any hole. But it's the one or two days I spend in pity and wallowing that get to me. All I can do on these days is think and think and think some more. I continuously rack my brain for reasons to mope. Pondering all those 'what ifs' of the previous post. But after those few days pass, I can go back to my cheerful
demeanor since I've gotten all the overthinking and overanalyzing out of the way. But now that I suddenly can't make the thinking go away, I'm a little bit afraid for my emotional well being.

Recently my job banned any type of music from the lab. For most, this wasn't a big deal. For me - horrifying. I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, typing. It's boring. It's tedious. And I'm surrounded by Filipino chatterboxes who don't like to speak English. At all. (This does not make me a racist!) Now, I'm an introvert. Thus, I keep to myself. I don't talk all that much. I enjoy the quiet. My escape from having to listen to the ridiculousness was my Ipod. But that's not the only escape my Ipod gave me. Two weeks into this banishment, I find myself stressed out and emotionally exhausted. Without music to drown out my thoughts, I find myself thinking about anything and everything. And believe it or not, it's tiring to sit and think for eight hours straight.

You'd think for a writer, this could be amazing! All this time to think up new ideas, create characters. And while I'm lucky enough to get those nights every now and then, my head isn't just some la-dee-da fantasy world all the time. Having so much time to think turns out to be a very bad thing for me. My brain will decide...'Let's think about the past today! Remember when you were happy? Remember you were miserable? Remember when you were a kid and didn't have to worry about anything??' And then...'Let's think about the future today! Your goals are so far away, still. Your dream won't come true, you discovered it too late. What about love? Marriage? Kids? What if your future isn't what you want it to be? Then what will you do?' A lot of times I get the...'Time to think about today! What are you going to get done? You have a huge list of things to do. What are you going to eat? When are you going to sleep? Will you write today?' So on and so forth...

Some nights are spent thinking about things other than my own life. I wonder about my family a lot. Is my mother going to be okay? Will my sister's happiness last? I hope it will. How are my brothers going to turn out? They're so young still and on the brink of becoming actual people. Will my dad really be disappointed if I don't live up to his expectations? Will he ever get a break in his own life, for a change? I hope my grandmother's okay. When will my cousin prove everyone wrong?

Other nights, friendships are the main focus. Will our friendship ever be the way it was before? Is it worth it to hold on? Is she seriously considering doing that? If I try to talk her out of it, would I be hurting her? Does he realize that ever since she came back into his life he's tuned me out? Is he really judging me that harshly because of one stupid mistake? I thought he was my friend? I hope she gets to do what she wanted to. I hope this job works out for him. I can't wait to see her again. When am I seeing them again!?

My head is so overstuffed with thoughts and emotions and I have no idea how to let them out or force them away. It's bad enough that I have issues getting to sleep because I can't turn my mind off. But now it's on for 8 hours more at work. I know, this sounds dramatic and insignificant. But I thought writing it out could possibly help. Writing things out is a coping method of mine, and you, the lucky readers, are just here for the disastrous ride. Haha. =)

"Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man."
~Bertrand Russell

Rejoice Regrets

Life is short and all about taking risks. Big risks, little risks. How do we know which risks are the right risks to take? Well that's just it, isn't it. You can't really tell what's going to be worth going for until after you try. Or, alternatively, after you don't. And, of course, when you pass something up, all you can do is sit and wonder... What if?

People always ask me if there was one thing in my life I could change, what would it be? What is my biggest regret? Now, it's perfectly normal to have regrets. And I don't deny having a few. I regret my choice of living and school straight out of high school. I regret making friends with bad people. I regret losing good friends. I regret fooling around with a few guys. I regret NOT fooling around with one guy. I regret not letting him kiss me when he tried. I regret not speaking my mind until it was too late. I regret not telling my mother the truth until now. I regret not spending enough time with my family. I regret spending money on petty materialistic items. I regret not taking care of myself. I regret all of the bad habits I have that I refuse to break.

Rereading through that, I didn't realize how many I had. But the main thing is, I don't choose to live by them. Having regrets and living in regret are two completely different things. It's okay to have regrets. It's only human. To wish we could change bad things we'd done or bad choices we've made is not uncommon. The goal in life is to do exactly what you want to do to be happy. Or at least, that's my personal point of view. I figure happiness is the only thing REALLY worth working toward. And that can be achieved in several ways. Love, Job, Money, Friends, Family, etc. Whatever makes you happy. Living in regret, however, will not bring happiness.

When I see people constantly feeling sorry for themselves and wishing life was different and wanting to change all the bad they'd done, I don't really feel much sympathy or pity. A little, just because it's sad that they've managed to make their life that way. And I don't want to hear that bad things could happen that weren't their fault. Yes, that's oh so entirely true. Bad things happen to everyone that are out of their control. BUT! It's your choice if you want to dwell upon it longer than necessary. Be mad, be sad, but don't live that way.

I believe that everyone has the strength to overcome anything if they just try. If they just believe. It's their own fault if they want to sit alone and mope and consume drugs or alcohol or play with sharp objects. No one HAS to do that. No one is forced. That's your coping method? Find a new one. Surround yourself with people who want to help you. Surround your self with positivity and life will be better. Being caught in a mass of negativity will just make things more negative.

So. What is my biggest regret? What's the one life-changing event I wish I could take back? There isn't one. I embrace my regrets after wallowing in them for a day or two. Because I love where and who I am now in my life. Regrets are what shape us as individuals. When you make a bad choice, you can learn from it. It shows your strengths and weaknesses and it shows you are human. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. And without everything that has happened to me I wouldn't be where and who I am. I'm strong, I'm independent, and I'm always optimistic and generally happy. I love everything I have and everyone in my life. And I wish that everyone else could feel like this about themselves. When you reach a point in life where you know who you are and you like it and you don't care about anyone or anything else, it's pretty neat.

Never regret anything. Because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

Leap and the net will appear...

"Moving on" and "Letting Go".

Why is that these two phrases can be the hardest thing for most people to do? I mean really do. You can easily say that you've moved on from something or let something go but secretly you know that's not the truth. Generally it seems these two phrases only apply to the experiences that have hurt us or impacted us in some big way. A broken friendship, a break up, a death. When have you ever heard someone say let go of the good times? Move on from your happy moment already? Happiness and good times are so few and far between that we hold onto them so tightly. But, then, we hold on even tighter to the bad times. Why do we do that? It doesn't help the hurt to go away. It doesn't make us a better or stronger person. We're stronger when we can say it's over and actually mean it.

In my life, I've struggled over and over and over again with letting go. And to this day, I still have issues with it. I had to let go of friends constantly, growing up. Moving from place to place for seven consecutive years will do that to you. I guess that's why it's not as hard in the friend department anymore. (Although for a while I was bitter after the loss of a best friend of eight years. But that was more or less because of the lack of closure.) Because of controversy with her husband, I had to learn to let go of my mother for a while, which was probably the hardest thing for me to do. It broke my heart not to have my mother in my life. Luckily, I can say things are exceedingly better now, but that's a story for a different day.

The most recent thing - and I'm ashamed of it a little because it's been over a year now - that I've had to work at letting go of was a guy. I know, I know. Groan that it's so cliche of me. I'll agree! For all the drama of falling for him and thinking I stood a chance only to be let down, it really wasn't the fact that I loved him that ate at me. Sure that was a factor for a while but that went away fairly quickly. It was because he wasn't just some guy I fell for, he was one of my best friends. I think the bitterness stuck with me so long not because of how I felt about him but because after the way things were left off - you know the whole "lets just stay friends and not ruin the friendship" shebang - everything just kind of...stopped. I barely heard from him. And that hurt more than the rejection. Here I had this person who was one of my best friends who I could always talk to and could always make me feel better. And suddenly it disappeared.

When I decided finally to write it all out, it was a longer process than I anticipated. As part of it I decided to go through our online conversations. (And before you start to judge and call me crazy!! I did not save them. If you now the instant messaging program Skype, you know that it saves conversations automatically.) I realized while reading that I was laughing and smiling at it all. I was reliving the good times and forgetting about the bad. And it was great! It wasn't hurting. I didn't feel that usual pang in my heart. And that's when it hit me. Something in my head clicked and I knew that I was finally over it. And not just telling myself I was over it. Legitimately. No more talking myself into denial. The whole situation. No more lying to everyone, lying to myself. I was done wallowing and wishing and wondering what I'd done wrong. It didn't matter anymore. What's done was done and I didn't care. It felt like the biggest breath of fresh air after being under water for the longest time. And it felt AMAZING.

I confuse myself sometimes. I cannot for the life of me hold a grudge and yet I still maintain "letting go issues". I guess the whole point of this ramble of my woes was to just let anyone who's reading who has the same issues know that they're not alone. We all go through the cycle. Living in denial is one way, but it feels so much better to face that denial and give it a good sucker punch to the face. Because you're stronger than you think. When you finally do stand up and let go, it feels amazing. And you can move on to bigger, better, happier, greener pastures. Happiness is worth holding onto. Sadness and anger aren't. They're a waste of time and energy. Don't let the bad memories consume. Instead, let life consume you. Smile daily. Laugh as much as you can. I promise you it's worth it.