Turn and Face the Strain

Okay. I have gone on and on in the last couple of posts about how I feel out of sync with myself and can't get a grip of the personality shifts I've been going through. But I think I may have finally figured it out. I've realized a few things that I think may help me. I don't need to rely on someone else to fix me. For that matter, I don't think I need to keep thinking that the only way I'll survive is if I have someone to help me. I've been independent most of my life, and somehow that is the one part of me that I believe will never change. And I'm grateful for that. Being self-sufficient has helped me to endure so many things throughout my life. And it took me way too long to remember that I am the best person to help myself. I am the only one that I need to overcome difficulties that I have with myself. That should have been a no-brainer but I think my knack for over-analysis tends to cloud those thoughts that actually make sense.

Speaking of thinking, I have been thinking about life and my goals recently. I felt somewhat blue the other night because I watched a behind the scenes special on a musical group that are younger than me and are already further than where they thought they'd be. I guess it made me wonder if I wasn't doing enough to achieve what I want to. Not to mention that I don't have any clue as to where to begin being who I want to be. I couldn't help thinking about all the people in the world who start so young, even at the ages of 3 or 4 to be athletes or dancers or singers or performers; poets, novelists, journalists; politicians and businessmen and women. When you know what it is you want to do, it all seems so simple. This is what I want. This is how I'll get it. But it's not. How do those who have already achieved so much get there so young? Do they have more passion or drive than I do? Or more connections? What am I missing?

One thing I have that I never doubt is talent. I used to be modest about it and my own worst critic but I've come to love my craft and trust that what I love is good enough. The praise heaped certainly helps, sure. But my own passion is my faith. That I can love doing something enough gives me enough hope and courage to believe I am actually good for and at something. That I have talent. And talent shouldn't be wasted. If you are so blessed to have a gift bestowed upon you it would be tragic to waste it. The only thing I can't figure out is what to do with my own talent. But in time I'm sure I'll find some clarity.

Anyway, I've strayed from the initial thought that spurred this post. I was reading a book tonight called Writing Down to the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. It's all about writing and "freeing the writer within". I don't know what compelled me to take it down from the shelf tonight. And when I did I found a bookmark in it but no recollection of reading it. So I opened it up and attempted to refresh my memory. What I didn't expect was to find myself inside it. Something that I've come to realize as of late is that I think I have lost touch with myself because I've lost touch with my passion. My passion for writing is what healed me and kept me sane. The last time I was so low in life was when I was trapped living with my mom and her husband. But I came through it because I was always writing. I wrote every single day that I was in that house - no exaggerations. Every. Single. Day. I never stopped to think whether or not it was bad. I never gave up on it. I kept going through. I would spend hours in my room working away, escaping everything. I was happy because I was doing what I loved and no one could take it from me. I was a writer. This was how I coped, how I fixed what was happening. All of my emotions would go into the stories I wrote, whether I realized it or not. It was my emotional release that kept my mind balanced just enough.

I can heal myself through writing, and I forgot that. And I'm ashamed in myself that it took me so long to remember. This is who I am, isn't it?! It doesn't matter what changes I go through in life. I will always be the writer. I just need to get back into the groove of it. I think, truly, that it could revive me. Bring me back to who I loved I was, not who I am now. I wrote a little something in the car tonight too, which somewhat goes with this thought:

Everyone always asks me what I want to be when I grow up
They all ask me what I'll do with my life
I don't know

But who really does?
Just gonna be me because
I live my life without discretion

That's what it's about

Love and Expression
Be you who you ARE
Not who you'll be
And you'll see

You are an exception.

It's a little bit cheesy and probably could be fine tuned. What did I say about being my own worst critic? ;)

Fact of the matter is, I am going to make changes to help myself. I'm not going to let who I am go for who I've been turning into. I think once this semester of school ends, everything will come together and I can begin a self renewal and revitalization. Starting over can be good and I think it's definitely something I need. Going back to my roots to start over again. Something like that. This book that I just read a few chapters of reminded me. It took me back to the very beginning when I first started getting serious about writing. When ideas were always fresh and I could lose all sense of time in it. I realized, I haven't been happy in so long because I stopped writing every day. I always think that I could never commit to doing it again. But then one quote hit me in this book:

"Like running, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Some days you don't want to run and you resist every step of the three miles, but you do it anyway. You practice whether you want to or not. You don't wait around for inspiration and a deep desire to run. It'll never happen, especially if you are out of shape and avoiding it. But if you run regularly, you train your mind to cut through or ignore your resistance. You just do it. And in the middle of the run, you love it. When you come to the end, you never want to stop."

It's so much the truth, for anything anyone wants to do, not just writing. Think about it and apply it to your own life. And don't discount any talent you may have because you don't know what to do with it. Waste not, want not. =)

Masquerading as Me

I haven't felt like myself for a while now. I was discussing it with a friend tonight, and it's becoming more and more apparent that I'm losing myself. I'm not who I was and I don't like it. I don't like who I'm becoming because it's very out of character for me. I'm not this person who resents everyone and everything. I don't think of the cons before the pros. I don't lose hope, or get consumed with negative thoughts. But lately, this is who I've turned into. This is a darker, meaner, more cynical me. And while I know I've always had a sliver of this person inside me, it's never been predominant.

At first it was a few little things. I kept going back to the past, thinking over what happened in the past few years and all of the people I've had to leave behind and let go of. I started to miss them and contemplated reaching out to them again. I had to really force myself to sit down and think about all of the pain and all of the negativity they brought to remind myself why I had let them go. To have to force myself to really think of that was not a good sign. I should have realized that.

I began to feel my mind becoming overwhelmed with constant over thinking -- more than usual. I started wondering about all of the 'what if's. What if I hadn't done that, or said that, or stopped that? What if I hadn't gone? What if, what if... I never focus on what I can't control. I can't change the past or the future so I rarely think about it. I'm a control freak enough in the present.

Then I started constantly thinking about myself, and not in the narcissistic sense. I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. I was always alone, all of my life. Why was that? Why did I get bullied through my teenage years? Why didn't people like me? I was never mean. I was always polite. I was so quiet and shy, I would never do anything wrong. What could it have been that kept people from wanting to be my friends? And even when I did make friends, they never lasted. Why was that? Why was I always the one who cared more? When I moved away, and we'd promise to keep in touch, I was always the one who had to make the phone calls. That's still pretty true today too, with current friends. I'm usually the one to call, not the other way around. So why do I care so much? Why do I always put an effort into those who always give me less? How can I stop doing that?

I wondered, will I always be alone? Why is it always difficult to make friends? At this point in life, I've found it so much easier to be friends with guys. It's quite ironic, because for most of my life I had always been so shy and so scared to talk to guys. Suddenly I outgrew my shell and they're the only ones I like to talk to. Yes, sometimes I do enjoy male attention BUT! I find that I can connect better with guys than girls. That is, until it becomes apparent that I'm just a girl they want to mess around with. Then they get dropped. With girls, I've found lately that I don't have much tolerance for all of the drama, the catty fighting, the petty things like makeup and hair and shoes. I don't know. I'm usually a relaxed person who likes movies and video games and hanging out. The girl thing doesn't appeal to me so much, hence I kick it with dudes more often.

Anyway, total digression. I started to think also about my issues with letting go of the past. Once my mother started to show signs of coming back to who she used to be, I was able to easier let go of the drama from what happened with her and her husband and our family. I still can't seem to let go entirely of the 8-year friendship I lost. For the most part, I'm over it. I wish her the best and hope she is doing well. I do miss her from time to time, but I also realize that who she is now and who I am now would not mesh. So I'm pretty okay with her. But, why can't I unblock her on facebook? Mhm. I have the worst time letting go of the last guy I fell hard for. Every time I think I'm okay and won't ever think about him again, something stirs a memory and more what if questions arise. Of course it always made me wonder why, and what was wrong with me that he acted like he wanted me at first then it all changed and he didn't. Eh. I blame myself for everything that went wrong with that situation. And I mostly don't care too too much. Again, I wish him the best, hope he's doing well. But there are still things that hurt my heart from time to time. And I want that to go away. I don't want my heart to hurt over a guy who hurt me TWO YEARS ago. I mean really, two years and my heart still hasn't healed fully yet? There must be something wrong with me.

Two months ago, I had I guess what you could call an episode. I have anxiety attacks every couple of months or so. I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions and hold everything back and eventually it builds up and explodes into a full on anxiety attack. Save your scolding, I know it's a bad habit. I'm over it. Happens once in a while, yadda yadda. But the thing is, the episode was different from an anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks for me usually will last a few hours. I can get over it a while after it happens and mentally beat the crap out of me until I remember what positivity is and I can go about life normally again. This time, it didn't go away.

I felt it first coming on, that Friday night. I guess I was a little upset to be alone again, no plans, no friends responding to me. I shrugged it off, went to play the Sims. (I believe that was the night I created my evil Sim person. :) I don't think that really has any correspondence...) Sunday at work is when it really hit me. I didn't want to be there, didn't want to be bothered. That was the first night I moved my seat away from the 8 other coworkers that were there. Headphones went on and I think a bootleg of a broadway show played and I was thinking about the past. First wrong move. I felt a little blue and by the time I was driving home, my heart hurt and I was crying, just a little. On Monday, I went to work again, but I didn't talk at all that night. Normally I'll chat up a storm with my buddy but I didn't speak at all. I put music on - fast beats so I could work fast and not think. But then I changed my music from upbeat fun stuff to some mellow sadder tunes. I just had a weird change of thought processes and needed some quiet, wanted to think. That was probably the worst idea ever. This was the first night I had a breakdown. As soon as I got home my mind was a complete emotional mess and I was thinking about everything I mentioned above. Something was wrong with me. No one wanted me. No one would ever want me. Why was I this way? Why could I never be happy, if not for long, at all? I cried and cried for two or three hours. I may have even punched pillows and kicked my bed. I finally managed to cry myself to sleep. I woke up exhausted and my heart was still pretty heavy. I just wanted to curl back up in bed for a few more days. But I fought my way to work and hoped my eyes weren't puffy enough to show but they were. Everyone wondered what was up, I just stayed quiet. An hour into it, my coworker kept bugging me asking me what happened, why I was upset, why I wouldn't talk to him. He kept making me think of the night before and everything that went with it. I started to panic. I fought back tears, I fought to breathe evenly, to stop shaking but I couldn't fight it. I ran to the bathroom and tried to break down and get it out but I just kept breathing, short and fast. When I got back to my seat, all I could say to him was that I wanted to go home. And when I saw my boss, I told her, in broken pieces, I needed to leave. But when I got in the car, I couldn't go home. I didn't want to go and be alone again. I was always alone. I called my mom and broke down again, and begged to go there. Another wave of anxiety hit me during the drive there and I blinked through the tears to see my way to her house. When I got there and she calmed me down, I felt numb for a while. I just sat with her and watched TV and didn't think or feel anything. When it came time to leave, I stayed numb. Until I got home and broke down once more before finally going to sleep. It took four or five days to recompose myself. But something keeps tugging the back of my mind, as if to say it's lingering, waiting to come back. Haunting me, almost.

Today, I had an epiphany while talking to aforementioned friend. I started telling him about how for the first time ever last night, I got angry while drinking. I never get angry when I drink. If anything it makes me super happy. Once it had made me cry, but that was the first time I ever got drunk. Digression. Gah! So I was fuming while buzzed, totally new feeling for me. I did not approve. I caught myself about to go off on one of my sister's friends. I said one thing and as soon as I said it I forced myself to keep my mouth shut. I guess it was pretty evident I was pissed off but, as long as I kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be an angry drunk.

This wasn't the epiphany. The epiphany was that I've learned that my tolerance has dramatically lowered. I have always been the most patient, polite, understanding person I can be. Suddenly I can't take it if someone isn't as smart as me and we have to keep going over the same topics in class when I already understood it two classes ago. I can't tolerate when people are being unkind or manipulative, when usually I can just brush it off and let them do what they will. I get angrier and angrier, and I've become so much bitchier, pardon the language. I speak my mind so much more and not in a nice way. Acting more troublesome and spiteful when I don't really need to. This isn't me. Who am I?

It's all so out of my element that it scares me. Is this what I'm becoming, or will it pass? I know that personalities go through changes consistently, especially at my age, but...do I have to learn to control this anger and somehow come to terms with this new person? I don't want to. I need to fix this, but I don't know how. How do you fix yourself when you're broken?

Good.

I can't sleep, so naturally I write. Tonight what's keeping me up is the past. But what else is new, right? I think my ipod was to blame for tonight's trip down memory lane, however. Songs from the past came on at work and brought the memories to the surface. Thanks a lot, Apple. Your invention keeps ruining my thought process at work...

On the other hand, this particular dilemma has been on and off my mind for months now. I keep thinking about an ex-friend and the situation that caused the friendship to end. Now there were several reasons behind the ending of the friendship, but this situation was what threw us both over the edge. Naturally, there was a man. If you could see me now, you'd see a laugh turn into a grin and then melt into a frown. Ah, good ol' emotions. So I've been thinking lately about sending a message to this once friend. When I decided to walk away from her, I chose to do so at a point in time where her life was not functioning exactly well. A lot of deaths and a lot of negativity was present in her life and it was starting to suck the happiness out of my life. But despite all that, I still felt incredibly horrible about leaving her. And to this day it still eats at my conscience that I left when I did and the way I did. I didn't really give her completely rational reasoning, and I didn't even explain what happened with the man who got between us. I just got fed up and gave her a mediocre goodbye and left it at that.

For all the bad crap that happened between us, any normal person would have just let it go right then and there and not worried anymore. A normal person would say that they didn't deserve a friend like me. But I'm not really that normal. I have this insatiable need to be a genuinely good person. Not only that, but I pride myself on being a great friend. That's probably why a lot of people have gotten second chances out of me. I always realize where I went wrong and try to make them realize where we BOTH went wrong and see if we can try one more time to do it right. Sometimes it's a great attribute to have. Other times, not so much. I'm not saying I want to give her a third chance, not right now, anyway. But I hate myself for leaving someone who trusted me and included me in the very few people she could talk to. I know how it is to have someone leave you at the worse point in your life. Someone you thought cared and gave so much to. And it would tear me up inside that they could just walk away after that. So naturally, it bothers me that I could do that to someone when I can't stand it being done to me. She deserved a real explanation and, on top of that, an apology.

I really wish I could understand why I am the way I am, that I have to be a good person and always do the right thing (by my standards). I don't know why I find it extremely necessary. I'm not religious so it's not that I want to be a good person so I can get into heaven. And as a matter of fact, I never even expect anything to come from being a good person. It just seems to come naturally. I care a lot. I am generous and helpful. It just makes me happy to be this way. And I guess...if something makes you happy, you shouldn't question it, right?

Illuminate

A while back, laying in bed, I had a thought {that later became a Facebook status}:

I have a bright light in me that is very attractive, but I'm not looking for someone to share my light with. I'm looking for that light that matches mine so we can make an even brighter light, together. Why would I want to dim myself for someone who can't shine on their own?

I have a light in me, this I know. Very very well. I'm always trying to be positive and happy and helpful and constantly wanting others to be happy. I know I've gone on and on a few times about how trying to make people happy has screwed me in life. So I'm not going to do that again. I've learned over time that when I see enough negativity in someone that I don't want around, I will get rid of them immediately. Took me a while to get to this point. Now it's not even a matter of giving out second chances. If I notice you making me more stressed out rather than enjoying your company, you definitely won't last. I might keep someone around long enough until I find the nicest words to say goodbye because I'm not one to just walk up to someone and tell them "You're a horrible person. We can't be friends. So...bye." I can't do it. (Though I certainly think it often enough!) I don't have the heart to do that to someone. Not unless they've wronged me. Then I'll go off on them as much as I want without regret. Is this an evil grin on my face? I guess you'll never know.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to keep people in my life too long lately. A majority of it has to do with time. Working nights and sleeping days and going to school during the evening just before work makes it extremely hard to make time for anyone, let alone myself. I try to see my friends once a month, if that. And always make time for family too. So it's a little bit hard to introduce a new person into my life and have it work right off the bat. It's human nature to feel neglected or rejected if someone doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. And I understand that. So I understand when people get fed up with me for not giving enough attention. I haven't been able to work out my life well enough yet that I can really make as much time even for myself as I'd like. This is why I don't have a dog.

With men, it's even harder. Some just want fun. Others want relationships.
Fun is good, when I can afford it, but lately I can't find the time. I mean, come on. Asking a guy to come over at 4AM when I get off work is pretty much a booty call invitation. And as much as I'd love to just be casual, I can't seem to allow myself. I suppose it's certain trust barriers that hold me back but even those a guy will push. It's hard to explain to them. I'm the type of person where I don't get comfortable with a person just by texting or talking on the phone. I need to hang out a few times before I even begin to get out of my shell. I don't know. Maybe I'm a good girl at heart. Maybe I can't just give myself away to anyone. I like intimacy. I like caring. I like trust. I just don't have the TIME for it.

On the flip side of this argument comes the whole relationship question. Again, my arch-nemesis time. This goes back to the whole issue that my schedule wouldn't work. Would I make it work if I was absolutely head over heels for someone? Absolutely. But how can I get to that point without the time to date? Every time a guy asks me out, I have plans with a friend or dinner with the family or FINALLY some much needed "me time" scheduled. And yes, I am too stubborn to give up "me time" most of the time because I seriously never get enough chances for it. Judge away! Anyway, the fact of the matter is, it wouldn't be fair to someone to be in a relationship. I can't give them the attention they'd need or deserve and that's not fair. If I'm going to be in a relationship, I want my whole self to be there. Not just a part time gig.

Now here comes the twist. I mentioned lights, and shining and illuminating life. I also mentioned making the time if there was someone I was head over heels for. And here comes back the problem in the Facebook status. My light shines brightly. I'm a happy, positive person. I am strong-willed, independent and tough. I see the appeal in myself. Wait, is that too cocky? Yeah, whatever. I'm entitled. =) But yes, light attracts...well, light attracts bugs but I won't compare guys to bugs. The problem is, and I'm going metaphorical now, the guys that are attracted to my life don't seem to have much of a bright light of their own. I've been finding that most of the guys I've been hanging out with lately (not in a friend way, in a potential date way) have those deal-breaking pet peeves. I cannot stand when a guy gets too oversensitive and too insecure. I cannot stand when a guy belittles me and/or belittles himself. These two combined, oh buddy, you've got no chance. Cutthroat? Some would say. Others would say that's nothing. I'll just not comment and leave it to the reader to decide.

So what seems to be the common pattern in my life is that I can't find a guy worth sharing my light and life with, yet. And that's not a big deal. I have plenty of time. But as my quote said, why would I want to dim my light for someone who is stuck in the dark? That's the cliche of a woman wanting to help a bad guy be a good guy or something of the like. But that's very one sided. In my opinion, both parties should want to help each other be better. And I don't particularly want someone stuck in the dark. Pessimism is a turn off for me. I'm an eternal optimist. I will always find a way to go back to the light. I shine too brightly to be consumed by dark. And I'm not sharing my brightness. I'll only share it with someone who has their own light, so we can make each other brighter.

This is not to say that people can't shine bright if they're stuck in the dark. Change is the only constant in this world, and I am fully supportive of that statement. So hey. Maybe they'll finally find their "on" switch and the light will come to them. Maybe dim at first and growing brighter each day. Maybe not. Who knows?

Wright and Rong

I think I'm reaching another point of self discovery. I thought I knew pretty well who I am and what I'm about. I love myself more than anyone else. And I don't think that's selfish. I think it's confident. I think it's necessary. You can't love someone until you love yourself, right? Well hey! I'm ahead of the game then. Digression, as usual. Sorry. But it's the truth. When you are happy with who you are and love yourself, really love yourself, it's so much easier to be a better person.

I had a breakthrough in my personality, recently. In my previous post, I mentioned a dream which I believe is what figuratively (and literally) woke me up. It helped me to reflect on the decisions in my life and my indecisiveness, which the post even before that touched upon. Funny how things tie together neatly, sometimes. I didn't realize until now that I am the one who holds all of the power in my life. No one else. If I think something is wrong, that's up to me. If I think it's right, same thing. And that's the big discovery - my sense of right and wrong has totally be skewed. Until now.

I have always been a good person. (Sounds cocky, I know.) I've always valued little things and tried to be true to my heart. I've helped people in need, and I've always felt that I am happier when I help someone. There is never a time where I don't lend a hand or at least offer to. Doing things for others...I don't know, satisfies me. It's sort of a sense of accomplishment, I guess. I'm very cautious about people's feelings but never by holding back the truth. Honesty is so short lived these days that I have to be honest. I can't hold back. I always try to give money to homeless people on the streets when I'm in the city, if I have it. And almost every year I've given money to charity through theater events. It's not the most I could do but it's something. And I'm always wishing I could do more. Even some of my beliefs were so innocently genuine. I didn't have sex as young as most because I wanted to be in love. I wanted it to be a good experience. I didn't want to just waste it. No, it didn't exactly pan out that way, but still. How many people can say they waited as long as I did because they knew in their heart it was what was right for them? Go ahead, try to find more than a handful. Genuine. I don't remember who said it, someone at work I think. But it stuck to me. I am a good and genuine person.

I think I kind of went away from the whole Right vs Wrong topic. Think Holden Caulfield was as digressive as me? Okay, okay! Anyway... This whole self-actualization process has finally gotten me to see that what is right or wrong for me, isn't right or wrong for someone else. For example, let's go with a popular theme at my job. Everyone and anyone there is messing around with each other. Opportunities have shown themselves to me, but I always decline. Why? I don't think it's right. Is it right for everyone else? Hey, that's their call. Personally, I'd call that "shitting where you eat" (thank you dad...). For the longest time, though, I think I've been living in the mindset that I can't do things because the world says it's wrong. Or, alternatively, something is okay to do if other people are doing it even if I know it's wrong.

When I said I hold the power to my life, this is what I meant. I am the one who decides. And maybe this will help me be more decisive. Maybe it's what I needed to know to make decisions for myself. I know it sounds silly to only realize this, but I am a child at heart and naive is my way of life. Well...mostly. Maybe it's right to do wrong sometimes. Or maybe it's wrong to do right. What I'm trying to say, and I'm sorry it's kind of a confused blur in this post, is that right and wrong is in the eye of the beholder. Don't let anyone hold you back if you think something is right for you. On the other hand, don't do what you know is wrong for you just because someone else thinks it's right. You're the only one who knows what you need and want.

Do something wrong for the sake of being right. Or vice versa. =)

Spiritual Guidance

I had this dream last night, that I wish I could remember more of. I woke up from it wondering if it meant something, and what could possibly have made me dream such a dream.

It was sort of like a spiritual vision quest, if you would. I remember I was walking through this place with a million different ways to choose - not pathways. There were a lot of colors and different people, as if whatever choice I made a person would tell me more about me. And I was being led through this by a spirit guide that wasn't exactly...anything. It was a voice telling me about myself with every different step I took. But if I steered off the path I was supposed to be following, he would get angry and burst in flames telling me to get back onto the path.

I remember there was one point where I was very curious about something and I wanted to explore what would happen if I took that path. What would the consequences be, was it just a curiosity that needed to be sated or was it a path I was truly destined to take? And my spirit guide kept telling me that I couldn't discover that right now. I had to wait and go back to it at the end. I could have a taste and learn a little bit about if I were interested, but to truly find out if it was what I wanted I would have to finish the journey and take a trip back later to learn more. And when I kept trying to push the subject, the guide would engulf himself in flames again and yell at me to be patient.

There was a pregnant woman with blood on her. But it wasn't from a wound or a miscarriage. She wasn't in pain. She just stood there in a long blue dress, waiting, with blood on her. This is where the dream went weird. For some reason I felt compelled to taste the blood. I know, extremely weird and/or gross. I have no explanation.

My guide pulled me along after a taste, to another row. At this point it was clearer that I was walking through aisles of opportunities and life choices. The guide explained I had a very big and heavy heart filled with lots of dreams and only I could fulfill them. It was up to me to follow my path, follow my heart to get what I want. No one else. He told me my heart was my biggest tool and I should use it more often. He told me my heart is the most important part of me and not to forget it.

I woke up just before I got to the end of this journey. It really made me think all night at work about my life. After these past two weeks of feeling melancholy and wanting to be quiet, waking up from this dream seemed to wake me up back to reality. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me not to worry so much and not to fret over every decision and pathway I have to figure out. The dream also made me wonder about my outlook on right and wrong. I've been trying to abide by society's view of what is right. I need to do what's right for me. I need to really start to learn how to decide for myself and not think of what I may or may not miss. I always say to live in the present, but I think my dream woke me up to realize that I have to stop saying it and just do it.

So here's some inspiration for the day: Life is a journey. You choose which direction you're going to go in. If you feel like taking a turn would be right, then do it. If you need to stop and rest or think, or perhaps satisfy your curiosity, go for it. Don't pretend to live your life, and don't let someone else live it for you. Life is wonderful, make every moment and every choice count!

Alter-Ego

I'm a little disappointed in myself, as of late. I've been feeling a lot of negativity towards myself, not physically, which is typical for me, but emotionally. And I'm usually such a happy-go-lucky person. But it's starting to eat at me. I'm starting to realize that certain aspects of my personality are not appealing, mainly to myself. And I want to change them, but I'm not sure exactly how.

Indecisiveness - I have a problem with making decisions. Half the time it's because I generally just don't care. (i.e. food, what to do, where to go, etc.). The other half is being scared. Scared to get out of my comfort zone, try new things, be vulnerable. Of course this half applies to the more social aspects of my life like relationships and such. It's something I'm constantly trying to work on. But I feel like it's gotten a lot more obvious and annoying lately...

Impulsiveness - I've been doing things on impulse a lot more, recently. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. Okay, a lot of times it's not. Control. I need to develop control of this, which is kind of...paradoxical because I am a control freak a majority of the time.

Desperation for Approval - This one is the one that bugs me the most. I feel like I'm trying too hard and that is completely 100% unlike me. I loathe this new trait. I don't know why I act this way but it's like a switch turns on and suddenly I'm trying to be funny or smart or attractive because I want to feel loved.

And I guess that's just it, isn't it? I feel love deprived a lot of the time. Not by my family, not all the time. I want people to like me. I do my best to be likeable in every part of my life. I'm funny, I'm helpful, thoughtful, generous and a lot of the time for the wrong people. I'm constantly unappreciated and underestimated. Suddenly kindness is mistaken for stupidity. I want to make friends because I don't have many and I want to feel like I'm not the weird girl in the corner anymore.

All of my life I've always felt different, out of the ordinary, like no one could understand the mechanics of my mind. In school, I was always quiet and never part of a clique or hanging out with friends. I sat at lunch and read books. I went home and wrote until I had to go to sleep. I was a loner. And sometimes I didn't mind it. And sometimes it bothered me. A lot. It bothered my mother, too. She would always ask why I wasn't out with friends. Why I always stayed home.

Maybe it's because I was always the new kid. Moved around 6 or 7 times in my childhood, went to at least as many schools. I was always new, no one knew me. And I felt like no one wanted to know me. No one tried. I was polite to everyone, even those with physical and mental disabilities and THAT made me weird and avoidable. In elementary school, I played with a group of girls every day until one day we played a game. And one girl had us in a line telling us we were all garbage. But when she got to me, she stopped mid-sentence and rephrased to tell me my teeth were garbage. For one thing, I was self-conscious already about my teeth because I knew they were crooked. But what got me was that of all of us, she stopped in front of me just to tell me how much she noticed how bad my teeth looked. I ran away from the group and cried. In middle school, I got made fun of and bullied by the other girls. Rumors were always being spread. They'd said I called this girl a slut or some other girl a bitch when I never said a thing. If they found out I liked a guy, they would ruin any chance by running to tell them. One girl, who claimed to be my friend, lied to me saying there was a stain on my pants, just to embarrass me. A whole class laughed at me when my zipper was down after coming back from the bathroom. Even the teacher. Not a single person told me about it. They all just laughed until I realized it. Sometimes, the girls would tell their parents lies and I would get in trouble and never get to hang out with them again. But by that point, why would I have wanted to? When I started high school, I was told a group of girls wanted to beat me up. For no reason. I lost a best friend because her friends told her lies about me and she believed them. I have never mentioned any of this to anyone, until now. I guess the strength gained from it all finally outweighs the hurt.

Everywhere we moved, I made one friend. That's it. One friend who was my best friend. One friend who always promised to keep in touch when I had to move again, and never did. And I have yet to find one person in my life - a best friend, so to speak - who truly gets me in every way. I'm envious of my sister because she has that. I'm envious of some of my friends who have that. I do have a couple of extremely close friends but not close enough that I am 100% myself with them. I apologize for any of them who happen to be reading this and are hurt by the previous statement. It's not out of resentment. I am truly grateful for everyone in my life. I just feel that I don't have that #2 person in my life (aside from my sister). And I want it. I want so bad to have at least one person.

All my life, my kindness has killed me. Caused me to be trampled on, bullied, deemed stupid or weird. And all I've wanted was a friend. I know wallowing and moping doesn't solve anything. I know that perseverance is the means to success. I know that tomorrow I'll be smiling again. Maybe only on the outside. Or maybe on the inside too. I am strong and I can get through anything. But sometimes, it's okay to stop and think or write it out. Or even cry it out, if necessary. We're all human. Emotions get the better of us from time to time. But it's our reactions that matter. It's what we do, the choices we make, how we move forward that really show our true character.

I invite everyone to emote, and then react. :)